Monday, June 30, 2008

"that's not normal"

what a bitch of a day.

i spent about 2 hours this morning, before work transferring all my stuff to my new house. washer and dryer, no problem. time warner, can't find my house number on my street. power company, can't find my house on my street, so i had to call the company that reads the meters to get my ESI ID, which is the number that identifies my electric service. they only found 3 house numbers on my street, but gave me one that might work. i called power company back and that number didn't work. so, i called my leasing company. apparently it was RAGING BITCH day there. i spoke to the "Agent On Call" who actually said to me at one point, "its not like i have a magic wand that i can MAKE the utility companies find you"

FUH REAL? you wanna play like THAT?

so when i tried to tell her all of the avenues i had been down in order to find my answer, in between her interrupting me, she said, "i haven't even HEARD of those companies". at which point all my nice rubbed off. i then, ever so politely told her, "sweetie, the company i called was the one that both, MY power company and the one you have listed on the move-in sheet, use in order to read their meters." once she realized i wasn't messing around when i asked for the previous tenant, or owner's information, she got even MORE snippy. "yeah well i can't fix your problem. i would suggest talking to the manager of the companies". that's when i thanked her for her time, hung up on her and sent a scathing email to her office manager. momma was in NO mood to fuck around.

finally i called the other energy company and got the correct ESI ID and then called mine back and got it all resolved.

and that was ALL before i even left for work.
when i got to work, i figured that since i WORK for the phone company, i could get THAT taken care of relatively easily. so i ran my address for other services and it came back that i could have our NEW-FANGLED tv and internet service. insert happy dance *here*. WHEE! a silver lining! i got all the way through the process and then saw the words "no sale" flash across my screen. when i called to inquire about the issue, i was informed that we had a glitch in the system that was making EVERYONE green for said service. i even said to the kid on the phone "insert STRING OF EXPLETIVES here" ver batim.

OH and then... i had my mouth all watered up (SUCH a mom saying) for samosas from this indian place around the corner... and yep. they were closed today. muther trucker!

yeah. the universe was a-gin me today.

after i had been at work for about 3 hours, i then got a text from a friend that his dog was hit by a car and died. so i guess it wasn't just a pisser of a day for just me.

when a co-worker mentioned Walgreens, the light bulb went off that maybe Momma needed some retail therapy. so during lunch i bought 5 new nail polishes and 2 candy bars. uh-huh... it was THAT kind of day.

when i got back from lunch, i informed the co-worker that i had gone to Walgreens and bought 5 new nail polishes and then mentioned that Ang had once asked, "are there ever colors of the rainbow left that you DON'T own?" i guess so. and as i was talking about buying 5 new nail polishes, i said, "i already OWN over 200 nail polishes... like i needed 5 more" and that's when the assistant manager looked up from what he was doing and said, "you own over 200 nail polishes???? that's not normal!"

to which i replied, "for the Numbers it is" and he just shook his head knowingly.

so here we sit at 5:38pm. i am at work for another 3 and a half hours. i'm kinda curious what else will happen in that time.

wish me luck.

Friday, June 27, 2008

i live in the Hamptons!!!!!!!

yeah bitches!!!!!

i got it!

i am actually on the phone with the property management guy RIGHT now... and i totally EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE'd him. he was a little taken aback.

he was funny. he said, "one tiny thing, can you wait until the third to move in?" and i said "SURE! ever you need! cause i'm not homeless until the 9th!"

so, Momma, come help me pack. cause you KNOW i will wait until the 2nd to do it.

now? now? how about now?


i wanna know about the damned house already. hell, i have already furnished it in my head. and i have also gone into debt thinking about how i am gonna get all my stuff from a 1 bedroom, 1 bath apartment into a 3 bedroom, 2 bath duplex!!!!! i need more stuff! like a bistro table for my porch. and new stuff for my OTHER bathroom. and oh yeah... something for Ang to sleep on in HER OWN ONE ROOM....

sheesh i have worn myself out already, just thinking about it.
can i know now? how about now? NOW?!?!?!?!

Thursday, June 26, 2008

house in the Hamptons...

k, so Monday i went and looked at some duplexes. the first one was built in 1983. it wasn't too bad. it was small and had been well lived in. the second one was also built in 1983. it was cute! great floor plan. but it was on the corner of a VERY busy street. which wouldnt normally be an issue, except that Rooney will be an outside cat when i move. and on that busy street and as dumb as he is, he would be squish-like-grape. the third one was built in 1976 and smelled like cat pee when we walked in. it had paneled walls and was very spacious. but EWW. and as we were leaving all of the Austin properties, i said to the agent, "i am trying to move farther south and the next one we look at is close to where i live now, and i'm sure THAT's the one i will fall in love with"

this one was built in 1999. it's even bigger than the ones we looked at. but its clean and pretty and i want it. i want it BAD. its a little more than what i was looking to spend. but i can have and office for me and a guest room. or as Ang said, "I CAN HAVE MY OWN ROOOOOM!"

yes honey, you can!

now i need all of you to send out good JUJU. for SouthHampton.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

for those of you with daughters

especially Angela and Austin.

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, driving record, lineage, and current certified medical report (including drug tests) from your doctor.

1. NAME ____________________ DATE OF BIRTH ________________

2. HEIGHT _________ WEIGHT _______ I.Q _______ G.P.A._________

3. SOCIAL SECURITY # ___________ DRIVERS LICENSE # ______________

4. BOY SCOUT RANK_____________________________________

5. HOME ADDRESS _________________ CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP __________

6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? _____________________

If No, EXPLAIN __________________________________________

7. Number of years your parents have been married_______________

8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? ______ A waterbed? _________

Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or a tattoo? _______

(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)

9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?__________________________________________________

10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?__________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________

11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?____________________________________________________

12. Church you attend ____________ How often do you attend________________

13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? __________________

14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone -ever- I promise.)

a ) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is __________________

b ) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ________________________

c ) A woman's place is in the _______________________________________________

d ) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _____________________

e ) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is _______________________

(NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)

15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ____________________________________


Signature (That means sign your name)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication before your application is approved, automatic disqualification will result.
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might want to watch your back).

Do you still want to date my daughter?

_____ Yes, please accept my application
_____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house...

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

home again home again jiggity jog

k, so i don't REALLY know where that phrase is from, but i remember my mom saying it when we would pull into the drive way. and it's a little more upbeat than how i feel about being home... but meh, what can you do?

i'm home. and i don't wanna be. i didn't get nearly enough time with the Numbers. i didn't even get to see Donna AT ALL (i'm still cussing about that) and there was so much more that i wanted to do in Cinci...

but i digress. i have pictures and stories and pictures and stories... but right now i am waiting for some guys to come take a look at my truck and hopefully give me appropriate legal tender, load the Wonder Truck onto a towing dolly, and drive it away. (yeah, i'm trying not to think about the emotion that SHOULD be involved with that... deedeedee)

and then off to the pool, since i'm still on Vacay until Tuesday of next week.

more to come. stay on the edge of your seats. i will bring the funny and photographs unto you chortly. but here's one to whet your whistles.

deuces, chickens.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008


Dear Kenneth,

While I am proud of you that you have finally hit Home Run number 600, it saddens me that you didn't wait 3 days for ME to see it. I thought we were closer than that. I thought we had something special. I thought that you understood that being one of the Pretend Boyfriends was an elite honor. And that in that group, you still have to maintain my happiness. In ways like, NOT doing coke off hooker's asses, NOT being traded to the Yankees, or pulling something as STUPID as Adam Sandler did, like wearing a Yankees hat in public (yes, Angela broke up with him over that).

That being said, you are still in my favor. But I am still hurt that you didn't wait for me. I mean even Sammy Sosa had the courtesy to hit number 500 while I was there... and he isn't even Backup Pretend Boyfriend status. Sure, "Baseball has been berry berry good to heem" but I have been berry berry good to you. I have been a faithful and loyal Reds fan for almost 7 years, which you and I both know can sometimes be a hard thing to do. But, I have stood by you when all the nay-sayers were saying, "He's too old. He can't stay healthy. His moment in the sun is over". I have cringed when you you take off across the field and dive to catch a ball, and I hold my breath when you launch yourself off the ground and into the wall to make impossible catches. I have cried when you and the boys won and cheered you on during the slumps.

So, regardless of where you play, (I'm looking at YOU, Seattle) I will continue to remain faithful as long as you don't pull another stunt like you did last night.

In closing, I will see you in 3 days, My Dear.

Monday, June 9, 2008


last night, Allie and i were on the phone trying to figure out Three Tattoos. yes, the Threes are getting tattoos. and we have vacillated between a 3... braille for 3... braille for "three"... a Hindu symbol for 3... and last night, it went even way more into Crazy land.

Allie and i were at each of our respective computers, with our phones on speaker, clickety-clackety-ing through various web pages and email accounts. she found one site that had several languages and she picked the Bangladeshi symbol for 3. and then i wanted to see what it looked like written out. so we had to try and find the font and then unzip it and it didn't work and then i said, "do we really want to make the words 'it's BANGLADESHI for THREE?" and we agreed that it sounded kinda weird. and if on the OFF chance we got it wrong and it spelled "terrorist" or "whore" or "eggs" then it made more sense to get something that we KNOW says the right thing.

as we were looking at symbols and words and more symbols, every time i found something, Allie would say, "DONE! LETS DO IT!" and that's when i realized that though we are VERY similar in aspects of our life, she is DEFINITELY more "Vegas wedding" about a tattoo than i am. i need a long engagement and china patterns. Allie needs a few belts of bourbon and a willing Elvis impersonator.

we have agreed on one as of MONDAY... but we still have 4 days until we really get together for ink. you never know... we may still end up with Bangladeshi for WHORE.

*********EDITED for Lo.*********

it's irish and three-ish

Saturday, June 7, 2008


i got em! i had to stifle the EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE at the Tax Assessors office. luckily i got the same girl who helped me last time, so she understood my excitement.

but look!


Thursday, June 5, 2008


(insert humming of BareNaked Ladies HERE)

Ang and i leave in ONE WEEK for Baseball '08!


we both are having a hard time NOT packing our bags right this moment. we are both having a hard time not just sitting at the airport at 6 am, next Thursday, to ask them if they will let us go on ANY plane to Louisville. we are having a hard time NOT bursting into shrieks of glee at random times of the day.

yes, you read that right, Louisville. its cheaper for us to fly into Lville and drive to Cinci.. AND AND AND we get to have dinner at Chez Lola with the 4 food groups, Sauce, Bacon, Chocolate, and Likker. OH AND ALLIE too! yeah, she will already be there! so, suck on THAT, bitches!

can we go now? how bout now? now? how about now?

3 tickets to Reds vs. Red Sox : $824
2 plane tickets and rental car: $769
shirts and hats and gifts in preparation: $234
baseball with your Very Best Friend and introducing her to the Numbers: PRICELESS