Sunday, June 22, 2008

for those of you with daughters

especially Angela and Austin.


APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, driving record, lineage, and current certified medical report (including drug tests) from your doctor.

1. NAME ____________________ DATE OF BIRTH ________________

2. HEIGHT _________ WEIGHT _______ I.Q _______ G.P.A._________

3. SOCIAL SECURITY # ___________ DRIVERS LICENSE # ______________

4. BOY SCOUT RANK_____________________________________

5. HOME ADDRESS _________________ CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP __________

6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? _____________________

If No, EXPLAIN __________________________________________

7. Number of years your parents have been married_______________

8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? ______ A waterbed? _________

Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or a tattoo? _______

(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)

9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?__________________________________________________

10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?__________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________

11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?____________________________________________________

12. Church you attend ____________ How often do you attend________________

13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? __________________

14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone -ever- I promise.)

a ) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is __________________

b ) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ________________________

c ) A woman's place is in the _______________________________________________

d ) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _____________________

e ) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is _______________________

(NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)

15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ____________________________________


I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.

________________________________________
Signature (That means sign your name)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication before your application is approved, automatic disqualification will result.
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might want to watch your back).

Do you still want to date my daughter?

_____ Yes, please accept my application
_____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house...

7 comments:

Kojo said...

Ok...if I had ever been given that application when I was dating as a teenager?

Yeah, um, I woulda failed.

christelpistol said...

why does that NOT surprise me?


you'da failed at #8, huh?

Kojo said...

Actually, no...woulda passed that one.

(Didn't ask me if I had OTHER private areas at my disposal...like a convent. >Snicker<)

Actually, going through this...I prolly coulda passed, even without lying at all...just omitting certain information. Was a "good" little catholic school boy when I was growing up.

Ian Townsend said...

fuck... I would NEVER get a date if I had to fill one of these out...

Lola said...

as a former teenage girl i would never have dated anyone who filled this out. mostly because my dad would have already buried him somewhere in bullitt county.

and i think we've just stumbled upon how bullitt county got its name.

christelpistol said...

and honestly Lo, i don't think i would have wanted to date anyone who passed this either.


oh wait.. i still wouldn't!

J. said...

Yeah...I would have bombed this pretty hard.

I already couldn't get many dates as a teenager. I didn't hit my prime till I was nearly 20.