Wednesday, March 26, 2008

open. with the opening.

SOME people seem to think that baseball has ALREADY started.

BUT... according to the REST of the world...

Major League Baseball's first officially recognized franchise the Cincinnati Reds were historically awarded the privilege of "opening the Openers" and hosted the outings from 1876-1989. Only twice during this time (1877 and 1966) were they forced to debut on the road due to rain. Finally in 1990, the tradition was broken and the Reds were scheduled to appear as the visitors against the Houston Astros. Despite the prestige of being christened as baseball's opening act, Cincinnati has posted an average record of 50-52-1 that has been shadowed by the countless spectacles off the baseline including parades, fireworks, circus performances and the opening of new ballparks in 1884, 1894, 1912 and 2003.

you catch that? CINCINNATI REDS... NOT Boston Red Sox.
i appreciate that they are playing like "real games" but DAMN if you have to go TO JAPAN to play? fuh real. it's called AMERICA'S PASTTIME!!!! NOT JAPAN'S!!!!!

according to The Cincinnati Reds site there are still 5 days, 3 hours and some odd minutes UNTIL THE REAL OPENING DAY.

but enjoy your 5 am "pretend games". i will let you know when Spring Training is OVER.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

today's post brought to you by the letter W

for Whores. as in Whores Moaning.
(hormones, for those of you playing the home game)

and the Whores want nachos. and Mexican Martinis. and they want to cry. i HATE being a girl sometimes.

now someone come here and play with my hair. and bring chocolate too.

Monday, March 17, 2008

green beers

When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven!

and Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

nikon limbo

bear with me...
i need to upload LOTS of pictures and then make subsequent posts.

i'll give you a hint or 2

Dropkicks and Flour Mills.


i KNOW! me too!



Thursday, March 6, 2008

my next project

Bacon Vodka

Makes up one pint

  • Fry up three strips of bacon
  • Add cooked bacon to a clean pint sized mason jar. Trim the ends of the bacon if they are too tall to fit in the jar. Or you could go hog wild and just pile in a bunch of fried up bacon scraps.
  • Optional: add crushed black peppercorns.
  • Fill the jar up with vodka. Cap and place in a dark cupboard for at least three weeks.(No need to refrigerate)
  • At the end of the three week resting period, place the bacon vodka in the freezer to solidify the fats. Strain out the fats through a coffee filter to yield a clear filtered pale yellow bacon vodka.
  • Decant into decorative bottles and enjoy.

i will TOTALLY make Saucy Bloody Marys with those Bleu Cheese and Jalapeno stuffed olives!!!!


idea courtesy of Brownie Points

Monday, March 3, 2008

sent to me from Brian

This is a letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph.
PC Magazine’s 2007 editors’ choice for best web mail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dry-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse’? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call an inbred hillbilly with knife skills. Isn’t the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, Mr. Thatcher, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control, maniacal behaviour.
You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants…
Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’
Are you fucking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager male brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out of your ass, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘ Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’, or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.

Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

Sunday, March 2, 2008


THIS... is how you Drunken Uno!
notice the size of the glass compared to the size of the vodka bottle and the redbull can.
and i STILL got my ass kicked. good game, Gulliver... good game.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Irish Lent

A wee bit of humor...

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"
"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies.
"You see, I have two brothers,and one went to America, and the other to Australia . We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies,"You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."