DETOUR

i would like to re-route you from the funny here....



to land you HERE.

i built myself a new home for the bloggerton. "it's all growns up and all growns up and all growns up"

Cryptkeeper in Drag

so Kimmy posted this...

and now i have to. cause she's totally "Number-Like" and we kinda love her. a whole bunch.


so go here. and enter to win makeups. FREE makeups. we know momma love a good makeup. and if i will, i will totally share!


and Lo, if there's pink mascara.... its ALLLLLLL yours.

suds and duds

the BF (pseudonym still in progress) has decided that he wants to blog as well. the ACTUAL conversation went like this.

"I'ma need YOU to make me a blog. and I'm gonna write wittier stuff and send it to all of YOUR peeps and they are gonna love ME more than you. cause all the stuff you blog about is funny stuff about ME anyway."

ok, it was more of a statement than a conversation, because my response was a sound that sounded almost exactly like a scoff. (maybe cause it totally was!) so y'all hold your breaths for the "FUNNIER AND CLEVERER THAN CHRISTEL BLOG" cause I'm sure it's on it's way.

[scoff]

now, a blog about ME.

i have issues. more specifically SOAP issues. and even MORE specifically Bath and BodyWorks soap issues. they have an outlet store in both the San Marcos and Hillsboro outlet malls. and i CANNOT get out of there without spending over $50. ON SOAP! seriously people, i only take one shower a day, how much soap could i POSSIBLY need? the answer to that question is a METRIC SHIT TON. i went yesterday to the outlets in San Marcos, cause the BF had some trainings to do there and i had the day off, so why not go? i walked into the BBW store 3 minutes after they opened and left almost 30 minutes later with $76.87 worth of soap. i know better than to pretend to wander around and consider my purchases. i grab the giant shoulder bag and proceed to dump stuff in 2 and 3 at a time. i mean how do you pass up luscious Vanilla Bean Noel lotion for $6 when it's normally $11? and it smells like cookies. COOKIES, PEOPLE!

now don't misunderstand, i didn't spend all that money on just soap for me. i bought christelmas gifties too. but still, $77 on soap? issues. seriously. but i smell real damned delicious. my new favorite smell is the Jasmine Vanilla. it smells like Allie's house. and that is one place I'd really like to be. at allie's house, there is nail polish and coffee and Allie. and NONE of those things suck.

so. anyone know of a 12 step program for this soap thing? if so, lemme know. otherwise I'll be in the tub.

Tasty and Allie made me do it.

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
i was almost named Carisa after a street in Dallas that my mom used to go make out with boys on. but she remembered it wrong and i am now Christel.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? a few weeks ago. it was Grey's that made me do it.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? sometimes.

4 . WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? roast beef

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? do cats count? if not, then yes. i claim Angela's for spoiling purposes.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? you're fucking kidding me, right?

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? see also #6.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? all stock parts

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? is there bacon at the bottom?

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? honey nut cheerios

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? unless you've found a flip flop with laces... then NO.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? as an ox.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Baskin Robbins Peppermint

14. WHAT’S THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? if they are listening when i speak to them. "hi what can i do for you?" the answer is NOT, "fine, thank you"

15. RED OR PINK? both.

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? physically? my lack of strong jawline. non-physically? i'm OVERLY critical of people.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? right now? my Mimi. i have seen SO much stuff that she would love for Christelmas.

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? well, since its on my blog, why not just go ahead and post it up on yours?

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? black and black

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? leftovers. i made spinach and cheese ravioli with grilled chicken and sauteed mushrooms. mmmmmmm

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? stupid work muzak

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? plum

23. FAVORITE SMELLS? clean boys. my mom. eggnog.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? my ultra cute boyfriend.

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS? bof'em

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? BASEBALL

27. HAIR COLOR? brown. and natural. for once in a LONG time.

28. EYE COLOR? big blue!

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? yeah, about that...

30. FAVORITE FOODS? Carbohydrates? (stacey's answer is too freaking good)

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? happy endings.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Quantum of Solace. if anyone wants to put Daniel Craig in my stocking, i wouldn't object.

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? black. i'm at work. i don't NORMALLY dress like Johnny Cash.

34. SUMMER OR WINTER? summer. it's BASEBALL season!

35. HUGS OR KISSES? bof'em

36. FAVORITE DESSERT? cheesecake

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Angela

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Austin

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING RIGHT NOW? i am re-reading the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. all 5 books in the trilogy.

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? a mouse?

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT? i watched 27 Dresses.

42. FAVORITE SOUND? laughter. ESPECIALLY the Rottens'

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? stones. always.

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? i guess when i lived in London, England. but there are days knowing my mom is in SC and that seems like across the world too.

45. ANY NEW NEWS IN YOUR LIFE? i am so stupid, giddy, happy, moronically in love that it's not even funny

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? oddly enough in the SAME hospital in San Antonio as Alliepants.

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? Lola's. hers are always funnier than mine.

48. WHAT TIME IS IT NOW? 5:13 pm

IAN KYLE

i have 2 baby brothers.

one is 23 and one is 24. they are 6 months apart.


HOW is that POSSIBLE?!?!?!?!?!

different parents, DUR.

(but i LOVE telling the story like that)

and speaking of the one that's 24, TODAY happens to be his birthday.

here's to many happy returns of your birthday, IAN!

(he's the ultra cute SINGLE one on the right, ladies...

the other one's taken)

Slainte!

Love you Bro!

oh and one more thing,

HOOK EM!

knit one... GIVE many!

as some of you know, i am a knitter. our very own Alliepants taught me how years ago.


since then i have only been able to make flat things. scarves, blankets, washcloths. i have truckloads of yarn around my house. i am working on a giant afghan for my bed with really pretty fall colors. and since i am almost finished with it, i was rolling around what my next project would be. and who knew it would come to me in an email?

there was THIS story in my email from the yarn newsletter that i get weekly.

"Skein by skein. Month by month. A pledge starting with a single skein and taking it a month at time. Knitting up a skein’s worth of washcloths, preemie hats, Warm Up squares. Or working as far as a skein would go on a healing shawl or scarf or mittens. No real rules. No one checking out if a month gets skipped or a skein is not quite finished. "


so... my NEW project is gonna be knitting BLANKETS FOR CHARITY! i think i will go with this one, since it's in my hometown.

is that right up my alley or WHAT? i'm so excited. so, if you wanna buy me soft cottony yarns for my birthday, that will be SO perfect!


YAY KNITTING!

i'm alive

i swear.


just been busy busy bee and not too much to report. i mean i have a lot going on. just nothing that i care to catalog and write about right now. the majority of it is WAY personal life stuff. but let's just say i'm happy. and that does not suck.


and what else does not suck is that my toe color is called, "Have You Seen My Limo?" i mean come on people.... if that's not fancy as hell, then i don't know what is.

taking the Rottens to the pool today. and i see cold beers and grilled animal products in my future as well.


OH! and i'm a moron. i have been fighting with ants in my kitchen for about 3 weeks. and last night i had a "FUCKING DUH!" moment. for those of you that know me, my standard response to something random is "you know... ants don't like cinnamon" yes. that is correct ANTS DON'T LIKE CINNAMON. needless to say, my kitchen now smells very much like cinnamon. and i haven't seen any ants today.

at least i'm pretty.

Happy September, Y'all. may you not Labor today.

blar

i'm here. i havent had anything to blog about because Roo is still missing and my oven/stove still doesn't work.

i have been partying like a rockstar with Gulliver for the past week and it's been wonderful. work is busy.


i want chocolate. and a gin tonic.


that's all i can muster for now.'

update on Z

i just got an email from my mom.

they have taken him off the respirator, he's breathing on his own. it seems the drugs have finally left his body. there is a little muscle damage due to the OD, but its on the miscroscopic level. he has a urinary infection. his kidneys are still producing, but having a hard time filtering. he is still sedated, but a different sedative now.

they have taken off the neck brace and leg restraints.

he's getting there...


and thanks for all the love and good thoughts!

don't take the Brown Acid

ever have someone do something SO stupid you want to strangle them, but what they did was so dangerous that you can't bring yourself to be mad AT them?


guess who's brother is in the ICU?

Zach decided to be a little adventurous and take LSD. not sure how much he took, but apparently it was laced with something. it caused him to FREAK THE FUCK OUT. he stripped down naked and began to beat the shit out of himself in the back yard and cause a real ruckus. at 5 am, the neighbors called the cops. the cops called the ambulance. and they had to wrestle him and sedate him in order to get him in the ambulance.


super.


when they got him to the ER, since he was naked, he didn't have any ID. so they put him in an ER room and admitted him with a number, no name. when his girlfriend called the hospital to find out where they took him, they couldn't find him in their system. and this is when she called our mom to let her know what happened. the hospital wouldn't give her any information, since he's over 18. but finally let her know that a man matching the description was in ICU.

they have kept him sedated. he is on a respirator. he is also restrained. his heart rate is through the roof. it was 107 yesterday, and was 133 at one point today. he has yet to see a doctor, because it can take up to 24 hours for them to come by. and i am in the "GO SEE HIM NOW!" place. but i can't do shit from here.

so mom and i think that i whatever it was he got a hold of had been laced with PCP or something of the like. cause i've heard of bad acid trips, but DAMN.

and i know he will be fine. at least he will until i get MY hands on him.

for those of you with daughters

especially Angela and Austin.


APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, driving record, lineage, and current certified medical report (including drug tests) from your doctor.

1. NAME ____________________ DATE OF BIRTH ________________

2. HEIGHT _________ WEIGHT _______ I.Q _______ G.P.A._________

3. SOCIAL SECURITY # ___________ DRIVERS LICENSE # ______________

4. BOY SCOUT RANK_____________________________________

5. HOME ADDRESS _________________ CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP __________

6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? _____________________

If No, EXPLAIN __________________________________________

7. Number of years your parents have been married_______________

8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? ______ A waterbed? _________

Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or a tattoo? _______

(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)

9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?__________________________________________________

10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?__________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________

11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?____________________________________________________

12. Church you attend ____________ How often do you attend________________

13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? __________________

14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone -ever- I promise.)

a ) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is __________________

b ) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ________________________

c ) A woman's place is in the _______________________________________________

d ) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _____________________

e ) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is _______________________

(NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)

15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ____________________________________


I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.

________________________________________
Signature (That means sign your name)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication before your application is approved, automatic disqualification will result.
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might want to watch your back).

Do you still want to date my daughter?

_____ Yes, please accept my application
_____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house...

nikon limbo

bear with me...
i need to upload LOTS of pictures and then make subsequent posts.


i'll give you a hint or 2

Dropkicks and Flour Mills.


intrigued?

i KNOW! me too!



*****EDIT*****


AND ONE MORE THING!!!!!!!!!!!



http://saucywenchcoffee.com/

sent to me from Brian

This is a letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph.
PC Magazine’s 2007 editors’ choice for best web mail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dry-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse’? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call an inbred hillbilly with knife skills. Isn’t the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, Mr. Thatcher, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control, maniacal behaviour.
You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants…
Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’
Are you fucking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager male brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out of your ass, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘ Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’, or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

5 things

this was emailed to me this morning from Midwest Diva
and it was originally 4 things... but i'm a Number... and cant do things in fours. so. it's now five.

Five things about me that you may, or may not have known.
In no particular order and without further adieu…

A) Five jobs I have had in my life:
1. plant waterer
2. pizza slinger
3. phone girl
4. coffee goddess
5. CEO

B) Five movies I watch/have watched over and over
1. princess bride
2. shaun of the dead
3. harold and kumar go to white castle
4. philadelphia story
5. steel magnolias

C) Five places I have lived:
1. temple, tx
2. georgetown, tx
3. london, england
4. greenville, sc
5. amarillo, tx

D) Five TV Shows that I watch:
1. grey's anatomy
2. LOST
3. Paula's Home Cookin'
4. foster's home for imaginary friends
5. will and grace

E) Five places I have been
1. Numbers Summit
2. Spring Training
3. the looney bin
4. Scotland
5. hell and back

F) People who e-mail me (regularly):
1. alliepants
2. angela
3. Josh o'Toole
4. donna
5. the mommie

G) Five of my favorite foods
1. chickenandfries
2. mom's pot roast with yorkshire puddings
3. chicken and fries
4. chocolate
5. chickenandfries

H) Five places I would rather be right now...
1. having sex
2. in a hammock on an island
3. mom and dad's house
4. anywhere with my peeps
5. ireland

I) Five friends I think will respond
1. allie
2. angela
3. buh-rian
4. tasty pants
5. ian

J) Five Things I am looking forward to in 2008:
1. SAUCY WENCH COFFEE ROASTERS
2. Baseball in Cinci in June
3. SAUCY WENCH COFFEE ROASTERS
4. moving
5. SAUCY! WENCH! COFFEE! ROASTERS!

subconscious

the last thing i remember saying in my dream, before i woke up this morning.




"THIS IS MY FUCKING SERIOUS FACE! YOU ARE NOT TAKING MY GODDAMNED HEADLIGHT!"


wow. wonder what THAT means.