HARPO

so, Angela informed me this morning that her husband thinks i look like a white version of Oprah.

yeah. Winfrey. OPRAH. WINFREY. a 60 year old Black Woman. i asked, "does he REALLY think i look like an old black woman??!?!?!?! FUH REAL?"

she said, "he said, look at her eyes. and mouth, and nose" at which point i interjected with , "HOW?????? my nose is SO small that when i was in second grade, i fell off a swing ONTO my face and had scrapes on my forehead and upper lip... COMPLETELY missed my nose, it's so small!"

and then she said, "well you DO have black woman lips" i do? do i? fuh real? no.


and while i was on the phone with her, i google imaged the Lovely and Talented Oprah.




and then yelled into the phone, "OHMYGAW I DOOOOOOO I DOOOO LOOK LIKE OPRAH!!!!!"

and it's kinda true.




i'm Bizarro Oprah. well, she IS a beautiful woman. i guess it's a compliment.

bad touch

the BEST thing i heard all day, yesterday:


"if i could clean this house JUST by touching my penis, this place would be so clean all the time, you could do BRAIN SURGERY"


i'm still giggling about this.

more perfecter

so. the plans have changed. i am not moving to McKinney yet. i am gonna rent a house and roast out of my garage. i have an agent who sends me listings several times a week. today i checked the listings and found a house on Johnny Bench Court. NO FOR REAL!

want the ACTUAL directions?
you will LOVE this. or maybe appreciate how much I LOVE them.... ready, here it go:


I35 North, 79 East, Left on Nolan Ryan, Right on Hank Aaron, Right on Willie Mays, Right on Johnny Bench


SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!?!


the rent is $1,195 a month for a 3BR. i am trying to talk my friend Ed into breaking his lease and renting with me. not sure how THAT will go... needless to say, i would need a roomie.

anyone else wanna live on Johnny Bench Court with me?

nintendo thumb

when i say "really the ONLY way i communicate is with text messages.."


i'm SO not kidding. i checked my usage for last month and i sent and received


six
thousand
seven
hundred
ninety
four

text messages.

6,794. IN ONE MONTH. that breaks down to roughly 226 A DAY. that's insanity!

but its true. if i can't text you, i prolly haven't talked to you in while. that's so sad. i need to get amongst the land of the living. or something.

maybe morrow.

kkthxbye.

its O-FISH-UL

lookie what i got in the mail yesterday!!!!!!!!!!



yes. yes that IS a sales and tax permit for Saucy Wench Coffee Roasters.

$47.47

guess who just made her LAST payment on her student loan.



JUST GUESS.

THIS GIRL!


the shitty part is that when my mom went to go get my graduation info, a year ago, they informed her that i was one class shy of being DONE. and able to graduate.



guess what class i am missing...


JUST GUESS.






Intro to Computers.

THIS GIRL!


missing a computer class. not something like Building a Computer to Make Cheesey Nachos Anytime I Want Them. not Computing In Russian. not Coding Websites Out Of Cotton Candy...



INTRO.
TO.
COMPUTERS.



needless to say, i am NOT rushing to get that completed on the basis of the stupidity of it. oh yeah and it will also now cost almost $500 to do it.



but YAY having my loan paid off. too bad i didnt get all the VALUE out of it. sheesh.

two hos and a yo

when i called my mom yesterday, she asked me if i had gotten her email about license plate ideas. and i asked her what she sent.

she said YO HO HO. which is, in fact, good AND funny at the same time. and i then said, "thats a great idea, but it would ALSO read YO! HO! HOOOOO! and i wasnt sure i wanted 'HO' on my license plate." she said, "but its two Hos and a Yo"


aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand then we got the giggles.

so i have changed the title of this here little blog to reflect my mom's sense of humor and ingenuity. and her ability to make me pee while i am driving.



love your face, old girl.

sign of a fat girl

yeah... momma "needed to have a purse what has bacon on it"

ULTIMATE fat girl to OWN and CARRY an accessory with BACON on it.

that's me.

lighter in the loafers

amazing what an inch and a half can do.





and NO you perverts... that's NOT what i mean.








i got mah hairscut yestiddy. i sent a picture yesterday to Alliepants asking her opinion. i got back, "GIRL WHAT?" which translated from Numberspeak means, "DEAR GAWD woman, i didn't cut your hair SO cute in November for you to let it look like THAT!"





so i went. and the girl cut an inch. and then i said, "let's go a half inch moar".





ahhhhhhhhh...... MUCH better.

how rude.

DAMMIT!

CURSES!


DEVIL!!!!!!




someone already HAS "SAUCY" for a license plate. thats what i get for dragging my feet.


so. by the end of the day, i want your votes.


5AUCY


SAU*CY


or


GITA


(oh and only 13 more days until my 30 Days of Self-Inflicted Sobriety is up! YAY!)