Two Hos and a Yo

DETOUR

2009-01-10T13:03:00.000-08:00

i would like to re-route you from the funny here....

to land you HERE.

i built myself a new home for the bloggerton. "it's all growns up and all growns up and all growns up"

HAPPY MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE!

2008-12-24T08:13:00.000-08:00

i am SO excited about Christelmas.

i hope you all are too.

may your days be merry and bright. and may you still be filled with the wonder of Christmas.

love,
~christel

THIS... IS MORE AWESOMER

2008-12-19T15:46:00.000-08:00

than awesome.

i mean this is better than peanut butter and chocolate... AT! THE! SAME! TIME!

Cryptkeeper in Drag

2008-12-18T06:54:00.001-08:00

so Kimmy posted this...

and now i have to. cause she's totally "Number-Like" and we kinda love her. a whole bunch.

so go here. and enter to win makeups. FREE makeups. we know momma love a good makeup. and if i will, i will totally share!

and Lo, if there's pink mascara.... its ALLLLLLL yours.

suds and duds

2008-12-12T09:48:00.000-08:00

the BF (pseudonym still in progress) has decided that he wants to blog as well. the ACTUAL conversation went like this.

"I'ma need YOU to make me a blog. and I'm gonna write wittier stuff and send it to all of YOUR peeps and they are gonna love ME more than you. cause all the stuff you blog about is funny stuff about ME anyway."

ok, it was more of a statement than a conversation, because my response was a sound that sounded almost exactly like a scoff. (maybe cause it totally was!) so y'all hold your breaths for the "FUNNIER AND CLEVERER THAN CHRISTEL BLOG" cause I'm sure it's on it's way.

[scoff]

now, a blog about ME.

i have issues. more specifically SOAP issues. and even MORE specifically Bath and BodyWorks soap issues. they have an outlet store in both the San Marcos and Hillsboro outlet malls. and i CANNOT get out of there without spending over $50. ON SOAP! seriously people, i only take one shower a day, how much soap could i POSSIBLY need? the answer to that question is a METRIC SHIT TON. i went yesterday to the outlets in San Marcos, cause the BF had some trainings to do there and i had the day off, so why not go? i walked into the BBW store 3 minutes after they opened and left almost 30 minutes later with $76.87 worth of soap. i know better than to pretend to wander around and consider my purchases. i grab the giant shoulder bag and proceed to dump stuff in 2 and 3 at a time. i mean how do you pass up luscious Vanilla Bean Noel lotion for $6 when it's normally $11? and it smells like cookies. COOKIES, PEOPLE!

now don't misunderstand, i didn't spend all that money on just soap for me. i bought christelmas gifties too. but still, $77 on soap? issues. seriously. but i smell real damned delicious. my new favorite smell is the Jasmine Vanilla. it smells like Allie's house. and that is one place I'd really like to be. at allie's house, there is nail polish and coffee and Allie. and NONE of those things suck.

so. anyone know of a 12 step program for this soap thing? if so, lemme know. otherwise I'll be in the tub.

global warming

2008-12-10T07:06:00.000-08:00

have you seen the Lewis Black stand up skit where he was talking about it being so cold you can't finish a sentence?

(NSFW... he drops the F bomb A LOT)

it's THAT cold today.

there was sleet last night and the BF was deluded in thinking that it was snow. his logic was, "it's frozen precipitation that's white and sticking to the ground, then it's snow." yeah i know. boys have flawed logic, but YOU try to tell them that. cause if it makes noise when it hits the porch, it ain't snow. i heard that there was SOME snow that fell, but WE didn't see it.

i know, snow isn't so amazing. but the fact that it was 81 degrees at lunch yesterday makes it a little more outrageous. "welcome to Texas. if you don't like the weather, wait five minutes, it'll change"

the point of my story is this. i want to NOT be at work, but snuggled up by a fireplace with hot rum drinks and mashed potatoes. if any of you can make that happen for me, i will totally tell Santa to take you off the Naughty List.

always

2008-12-08T12:41:00.000-08:00

always an adventure. that is our motto. it's been mine for years. add to that a BF who gets into all sorts of mishaps, and it's like a mantra now.

even something as simple as a late night food run, becomes an adventure.

we left his house in the sticks around 9pm. we flipped a coin between Sonic at 17 miles away or Jack in the Box at 16 miles away. not lying. Jack won.

now i don't live in the sticks. i live in the city. i don't see well in the dark and add to that not having a DAMNED clue where i was going, and we are already off to a good start. after many "your other lefts" and "NO TURN THERE!" and "baby, watch the speed limit cause it goes from 50 to 35 back to 60" we finally arrived at Jack. we opted to eat inside since we drove 7 hours to get there. when we got to the front, there was a girl chatting with 2 of the girls behind the counter. we took our time deciding what sort of fat girls we were going to be, so we were able to hear parts of the conversation in the interim. lots of "he said... she said" lots of "why you gotta get all up in my bidness" and as we were ordering it got even MORE heated and a fight was about to erupt. the girls took their drama to the back and we were able to order without someone getting yanked over the counter by her hair.

we ordered a metric fuckton of fat girl food and during our wait we were able to soak in our surroundings. mind you it was BALLS cold on Saturday night. there was a woman in there with no shoes or socks or jacket on. she looked pretty rough and was there with her crackhead boyfriend. and you could tell there was anger between them as they were leaving and she shot back some snide remark at him as she was walking out the door. there was a quiet hispanic family on the other side of the restaurant and us. we could STILL hear the girls fighting in the back of the kitchen and decided to take our food to go. while we were still waiting, another group of people came in. two guys and one girl. they were the oddest combination of people. and it was as if they were told, "dress nicely, but wear the STUPIDEST shoes you own" i am NOT lying. one guy was a buck-ten, soaking wet and was wearing a button down shirt, brownish tie, blazer, brown slacks, and dirty brown chuck taylor low tops. the other guy was wearing a blue button down with black slacks and black and white checkered skate punk shoes. BUT WAIT. the girl was the BEST! she was in a lovely lacy calf length black dress with a brown leather floor length leather (?) coat with a sheepskin lining and a fur collar. not sure exactly what KIND of fur, but fur. and for her footwear.... leather moccasin slippers with a fur lining as well. we think the fur may have been squirrel or perhaps chipmunk. they were HIDEOUS. we referred to her as Pocahontas.

in addition to all of the excitement, the restaurant had a thermostat set for "Flash Freeze" and it was entirely too cold. i thought about borrowing Pocahontas's coat.

we took our 11 pounds of artery clogging, ass fattening food, bid the jack farewell, and then drove back to the house.
of course with more, "honey, just let him pass you on the other sides" and "watch out for the drunk swerving guy" and a couple of "dang ole potholes, man"

we made it safely home. still an adventure. but not without amusement. never is.

One Third

2008-12-05T07:38:00.000-08:00

i want to thank all of you who called and texted and emailed and facebooked me to wish me Happy Birthday! i had to charge my phone twice on Wednesday because you people blew me up. but i loved EVERY second of it. it's always a fun game with me and the BF when we hear our Blackberries start vibrating and guess to see whose it is and typically it's his cause he's so popular! but wednesday.... WEDNESDAY... it was ALL ME BABY! WOOOOOOOOOOOO

here are some pictures from the 12 Days of Christel!

flowers from my honey on Saturday night. he arranged them in a photo box all by hisownself.

me and Ang with yet ANOTHER one of the Thelma and Louise shots we've been doing for 17 or so years!

THOSE guys. Brothers and Boyfriends....

then on my ACTUAL birthday i got this! THIS! that my honey commissioned and designed. isn't he a peach?

yeah. it's PIRATEY!

look how fantastic it looks ON my bed!

it's fleece on the under side too. way ass cozy!

and then i went to dinner at Ang's. the Rottens made me a sign! (if you look closely you can see that the B in Birthday looks like boobies!)

and then a White trash cake too! (it's a little perverse looking too. i LOVE IT!)

and pirate flips!

and swirly earrings.

i'm a spoiled loved girl. thank you all again for the love!

reprinted from '04

2008-12-02T16:39:00.000-08:00

...there was a woman, who really really wanted children. Finally after 6 miscarriages she was finally going to carry a baby to term. She knew from the moment she conceived that it was going to be a girl. She called her Christel, even though her husband really wanted a boy and called it Bozo. But she was convinced beyond a doubt it would be a girl.

The pregnancy went along fine and mommie-to-be was happy as could be. The baby was not in a hurry to join the world. The pregnancy was 3 weeks past due and she was miserable. She and hubby had done everything to hurry the delivery along to no avail. Then one night he comes in all excited that his friend, Eddie, has tickets to a San Antonio Spurs basketball game. She was not excited, what if she goes into labor and he’s in the middle of a basketball game? This was before the age of cell phones. Anyway she said she guessed he could go so long as his friend’s wife, Carolyn, would “baby”sit her. Carolyn agreed and off the guys go to watch the Spurs.

She and Carolyn played some cards. About 8:00 she couldn’t get comfortable, her lower back was bothering her. So they stopped sitting in uncomfortable chairs and went in the other room to watch some TV. Carolyn said that she might be in labor, but she said she wasn’t in pain, just uncomfortable. Finally about midnight the fellas arrived home. Needless to say, you can’t go to a Spurs game and not drink beer, so they were a little tipsy and a lot tired. On the way home, Hubby asked if she wanted to go to the hospital, it was on the way home. She had already been to the hospital once with “false” labor and didn’t want to do that again. She said, “No I’m not having any pains, let’s just go home and go to sleep”, which they did… for a while anyway.

About 1:00, her water broke. She tried to wake Hubby up, but he wasn’t having any of it. When she finally convinced him that it was time to go he got in an all-out hurry. Meanwhile, she was putting on a little make-up, after all this is a big day and she wanted to look her best. Hubby was antsy and was trying to rush her out the door. Once they arrived at the hospital it was all excitement. But her labor was slow, slow, slow. Hubby was asleep (or maybe passed out) in a chair. Contractions were fast so the doctor started the epidural. Then her contractions stopped. They started her on a pitocin drip only to find out there was a hole in the tubing and most of the pitocin was in a puddle on the floor. Hubby woke up occasionally to see how she was doing; basically he was not much help. Finally her contractions started again, she was completely dilated and they told her it was time to push. She was pushing well, but, wait, they realized she was not fully dilated to they told her to stop pushing.

Now it really was time. They took her to the delivery room -by now it is about 4:30 the next afternoon. The epidural had worn off, so they did a spinal. She was exhausted and wanted to give up. The only thing that kept her pushing was that she really, really wanted to know if the baby had red hair. A very tuned-in nurse kept coaxing her to push by saying “we can almost see her, I think her hair is red, but push one more time so I can be sure”.

Finally, after much pushing and then use of the “salad forks”, Christel was born. At 5:02 December 3, 1975. Waiting anxiously for that first cry and did Christel ever cry, holler was more like it. She was totally worn out, and now she was numb from her toes to her throat, she had no energy to even cough. When they brought Christel to her to hold, she started crying, scared to death she would drop her. But the nurse helped her and she didn’t drop her.

She was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. And she came from her, you see she was adopted and this was the first person in the world she was really related to. She couldn’t stop crying, tears of joy, and exhaustion, and excitement, and more joy. It was almost too much emotion to handle. Then they took Christel to the nursery and finished up with her. After she spent 3 hours in recovery she was finally allowed to go to the nursery to see her brand new daughter. And guess what that little girl was doing when she saw her the first time---she was up on her elbows looking around at the world in amazement.

And guess what, she still looks at the world in amazement and with a sense of awe. Today she is 33 years old. She is the light of my life, my first and best treasure. I love her more than she will ever know. She has grown into a beautiful, witty, caring, sensitive, smart, loving woman. She is all she every hoped for, and more.

Happy Birthday, Baby.

Love, The Mommie.

Tasty and Allie made me do it.

2008-12-02T14:54:00.000-08:00

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
i was almost named Carisa after a street in Dallas that my mom used to go make out with boys on. but she remembered it wrong and i am now Christel.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? a few weeks ago. it was Grey's that made me do it.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? sometimes.

4 . WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? roast beef

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? do cats count? if not, then yes. i claim Angela's for spoiling purposes.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? you're fucking kidding me, right?

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? see also #6.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? all stock parts

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? is there bacon at the bottom?

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? honey nut cheerios

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? unless you've found a flip flop with laces... then NO.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? as an ox.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Baskin Robbins Peppermint

14. WHAT’S THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? if they are listening when i speak to them. "hi what can i do for you?" the answer is NOT, "fine, thank you"

15. RED OR PINK? both.

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? physically? my lack of strong jawline. non-physically? i'm OVERLY critical of people.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? right now? my Mimi. i have seen SO much stuff that she would love for Christelmas.

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? well, since its on my blog, why not just go ahead and post it up on yours?

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? black and black

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? leftovers. i made spinach and cheese ravioli with grilled chicken and sauteed mushrooms. mmmmmmm

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? stupid work muzak

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? plum

23. FAVORITE SMELLS? clean boys. my mom. eggnog.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? my ultra cute boyfriend.

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS? bof'em

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? BASEBALL

27. HAIR COLOR? brown. and natural. for once in a LONG time.

28. EYE COLOR? big blue!

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? yeah, about that...

30. FAVORITE FOODS? Carbohydrates? (stacey's answer is too freaking good)

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? happy endings.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Quantum of Solace. if anyone wants to put Daniel Craig in my stocking, i wouldn't object.

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? black. i'm at work. i don't NORMALLY dress like Johnny Cash.

34. SUMMER OR WINTER? summer. it's BASEBALL season!

35. HUGS OR KISSES? bof'em

36. FAVORITE DESSERT? cheesecake

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Angela

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Austin

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING RIGHT NOW? i am re-reading the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. all 5 books in the trilogy.

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? a mouse?

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT? i watched 27 Dresses.

42. FAVORITE SOUND? laughter. ESPECIALLY the Rottens'

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? stones. always.

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? i guess when i lived in London, England. but there are days knowing my mom is in SC and that seems like across the world too.

45. ANY NEW NEWS IN YOUR LIFE? i am so stupid, giddy, happy, moronically in love that it's not even funny

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? oddly enough in the SAME hospital in San Antonio as Alliepants.

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? Lola's. hers are always funnier than mine.

48. WHAT TIME IS IT NOW? 5:13 pm

we've got spirit, yes we do

2008-12-01T14:05:00.000-08:00

don't know if you've seen it yet, or not, but the new wal-mart commercial with the check out lights TOTALLY got me into the holiday spirit.

i mean like jumped RIGHT up and bit me squarely on the ass. i am SO excited about this holiday. usually i dont get excited until a week before, but i even bought a christmas CD at Kohl's the other day cause A: all the proceeds go to Kohl's Cares for Kids and B: because it has Winter Wonderland by Jason Mraz and C: I HAVE THE FLIPPIN' CHRISTMAS SPIRIT!

i walked a little slower past the trees at the store to smell them. i want to bake all night long. i want to wrap presents already. i am SO ready for Christelmas.

gotta pace myself, cause it's not even my birthday yet.

dooced (insert trademark symbol here, cause i'm computer retarded)

2008-11-21T11:40:00.000-08:00

Dear Heather Armstrong,

i read your blog frequently and giggle to myself over the fact that I'm sure we could be fast friends, if given the chance, but allow me to take this opportunity to express my dislike for you. you... and your "daily style" section. that damned section in which you post photos of cute things sent to you or bought by you from etsy.com. if it weren't for that damned site, my cute owl wallet (that i TOTALLY bought FROM etsy) would be a several hundred dollars richer. as i type this, i catch the light sparkling off of my new owl ring (ALSO bought from etsy!) and it makes me sneer. don't get me wrong, i have received SEVERAL dozens of compliments on said owl ring. i mean CMON, he's real freaking cute. wanna see?

SEEE???? he's adorable, right?

i have spent the past weeks browsing leisurely on etsy, cursing your name most of the time. i have purchased about 20 christelmas gifts in the past two days alone. don't get me wrong, i totally adore you and think you are an incredible writer. and i have even hung out with GEORGE! a time or two and was very tempted to kiss his face off. and i don't really dislike you. but you... YOU are the devil, woman! stop showing me the path to a lighter bank account. GAH.

signed,
your wannabe friend, Christel

Bar Golf Slideshow

2008-11-10T13:37:00.001-08:00

FORE!

2008-11-06T06:59:00.000-08:00

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited about this weekend.

it's the BF's birthday on Sunday. i have super special plans for him on Friday. he keeps asking what they are. at one point, he said, "if you're planning a dinner, then it's gonna be tough, i have something going on Friday night." i shot back, "alright already... i'm JUST trying to figure out when to get the stripper pole installed... sheeeeeesh!"

he still has no clue. one could call him clueless. but that would be mean. so would a real green dress. ( i know like 3 of you actually caught that reference)

ok back on topic. he's prolly gonna go to the UT Baylor game with his dad on Saturday... but then.... THEN... on Saturday night... THAT'S when the fun begins.

we're
gonna
play
Pub
Golf!!!!!

"but what's pub golf, Precious?"

you MUST be in golf attire
there are 9 pubs or “holes” in the course
each hole has a par number assigned to it
the par number corresponds to a type of drink
the number of strokes you take for a hole is the number of drinks you need to finish that drink
drinking water is considered a Water Hazard
allow 30 mins max for each hole, to try to keep on schedule
each hole has a par number; a par number corresponds to the following drinks:
* Par 1 - shooter
* Par 2 - glass of wine (red or white)
* Par 3 - bottle of beer (any)
* Par 4 - pint of beer (any)
* Par 5 - bombs (jager, irish car bomb, etc)
- (optional) you may want to implement a 60- or 90 second “drink clock” in which the player has a set amount of time in which to finish an attempt at a Hole-In-One shot. (Some folks, while working on a Hole-in-One, can really stretch out how long they take to finish). If the person does stop and takes a second stroke, then timing is not so big of a deal.- a 2-stroke penalty is assessed to anyone who hurls (barfs, vomits, chunders, etc) during the game (during your shot or after in the pub, or while walking between pubs)

Ang and i went shopping for golf sweaters and argyle socks. we even bought a golf club at Goodwill. we are gonna have to keep it away from the birthday boy because he will be THAT GUY who thinks its funny to beat on Lamborghinis the more the game progresses. but still. it's gonna be so fun!

pray for my liver.

things that go sparkle

2008-10-31T06:57:00.000-07:00

last weekend, we took the BF's daughter to a Halloween thing for kids and pets. they had a band and food and one of those inflated things kids can jump in and arts and crafts. and by "arts and crafts" i mean "unsupervised access to vats of glue and buckets of glitter."

Kiddo spent almost an hour decorating foam pumpkin cutouts with red glitter and markers. when she was finished, she gingerly made the walk back with something in her hands she was carrying so delicately. we all assumed it was because she had made it with love and was taking extra special care to not drop it. when she got closer we saw that it was not a protective maneuver, it was a feat in balance and self-preservation. she had COVERED the pumpkins in glue and glitter, so much so, that it was dripppppping off of them. and they had all stuck to her hands and were defying gravity. when she put them on the table her father cringed in terror at the 3 year old that was also covered in almost as much glitter as the pumpkins. he picked her up and carried her to the bathroom at arm's length to try and clean her up.

i took that opportunity to make the drive home with the "art" as manageable as possible. Kiddo had dressed up as a rock star for the day and her Gran had made her a cardboard guitar. since the glue was obviously still wet, i scraped off the majority of it from the pumpkins and covered her "tar" with it. it looked pretty damned bad ass after i was done with it.

by the time i had that finished, both the BF and Kiddo came back from the bathroom all clean. and he took one look at me, now covered in glitter, and just shook his head. i said to him, "if you have issues with glitter, Mister, then you and i will NEVER work out!"

he laughed cause he knows its true.

and today is a prime example of that truthiness. we don't get to dress up for Halloween at work, but our boss told us we could wear silly hats. and you know me... i can't JUST get by with a silly hat, so i have glitter too! cause, yeah. i'm THAT girl.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN, Y'ALL.

IAN KYLE

2008-10-30T09:10:00.000-07:00

i have 2 baby brothers.

one is 23 and one is 24. they are 6 months apart.

HOW is that POSSIBLE?!?!?!?!?!

different parents, DUR.

(but i LOVE telling the story like that)

and speaking of the one that's 24, TODAY happens to be his birthday.

here's to many happy returns of your birthday, IAN!

(he's the ultra cute SINGLE one on the right, ladies...

the other one's taken)

Slainte!

Love you Bro!

oh and one more thing,

HOOK EM!

"I have nipples, Greg. Can you milk me?"

2008-10-21T07:22:00.000-07:00

welp, i met the boyfriend's (still haven't figured out his pseudonym....) family on Saturday. and by family i mean the WHOLE Damn Family. not a simple, "hey honey let's have dinner with my folks at a nice restaurant". i mean 12 hours at their house with his daughter, Mom, Dad, 2 sisters, a brother-in-law, and a niece. PHEW.

we got there around 9 ish because his dad needed some help with cementing in some cinder blocks. so we ate breakfast, (hash browns with onions and scrambled eggs with onions) and then the menfolk got to work. i sat in the kitchen and talked to his mom about stuff. and crap. and junk. i asked her how she and her husband met, cause i got the abbreviated version from her son and thought, "i BET this is a good story. it HAS to be!" and over the next 5 hours, we chatted about where i've lived, where she's lived, how they met, how she wants to be a writer (kickass!), how i have a blog, how she wants to get into blogging, their trip to Eureka Springs, Arkansas (hehehehehe) and Life, the Universe and Everything. it was WONDERFUL. we chatted like we had known each other for years. she is a fantastic woman. i'm pretty sure that if the BF and i break up, she's gonna keep ME instead.

after the menfolk were finished with the laboring, we started working on dinner (pork chops covered in onions, scalloped potatoes with onions) around this time, the BF's sister and husband and niece arrived. and his sister asked IMMEDIATELY, "what's for dessert?" and of COURSE i piped up with , "well i fancy myself a baker". keep in mind that his dad was an executive chef. his brother-in-law is a chef at a restaurant in marble falls and his sister is no slouch in the kitchen either. GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAT. collectively, we decided on apple pie. i said i would make a streusel topping for it. well it ended up that i made an apple crisp instead. which was even funnier, because his mom said, "wow that was the easiest dessert i've ever made!" ya know, since I championed the whole project! heh.

once we put dinner in the oven, we all hopped in the truck and went to the lake. i hadn't been on a boat since i was about 10. i was STOKED! we cruised around the lake for a bit. the majority of the family got IN the lake. (i am NOT that girl who jumps in lakes when it's OCTOBER) and we headed back tot he house. we assumed we were gonna be gone for about an hour. 2 hours later we get back to the house and can almost smell the food from the street. good thing we only put it in at 275 degrees. it all smelled so good.

we all got back to work finishing dinner and as his mom is cutting onions for the salad, i whispered to the BF, "will you ask her to scoop some out for me first and don't tell her that i'm allergic, k?"

he says, "HEY MA, we're gonna scoop some out cause she's all allergic to onions and all..."
thanks, dear.

her face turns white and you could see her going over the entire menu for the day and realizing that the ONLY things we didn't put onions in were the coffee and the apple crisp. she was mortified. which was what i was TRYING to avoid in the first place. reallllllly graceful, dear.

OH! i forgot this part. when we took the apple crisp out of the oven, i said to his dad, "that looks terrible, y'all ought not have any." he says, 'just wait and see what's left in the pan and THEN we'll decide" i said, "i was trying to say that i... ya know... have it all to myself...." he shoots back, "yeah, we are real familiar with THAT game. don't think you can try to get by with THAT move i mean we aren't THIS fat by letting someone ELSE eat our desserts!"

i... uhhh... yes sir.

so we ate dinner, that was SOOOOO tasty, and i was complimented on my apple crisp. yay me, i didn't poison them! and we wound down the night. we said our goodbyes and were on our way home. i didn't break anything. i didn't say anything out of line and i didn't shatter any family heirlooms. it was a good day.

i was informed yesterday that his dad called him and asked if i had a nice time and said "everyone seems to have liked her". having myveryownpersonal dad who is a man of few words, THIS was a pretty good indicator that i might get to come back.

i hope.

NO YOU!

2008-10-17T08:28:00.000-07:00

a conversation from last night

HIM: no you're lame, i'm gonna punch you in the taint.

ME: i'm gonna punch YOU.... in the taint!

HIM: i'm gonna punch you.... in... the ....uh.... FOREHEAD.

ME: i'm gonna punch YOU...in the forehead WITH my TAINT!

HIM: i... uhh... yeah. you win.

at the Town's End

2008-10-16T10:06:00.000-07:00

so. when i was wee, my father got a yellow rose tattoo on his left wrist. last year for Father's day, my brother Ian got 2 yellow roses tattooed on his left wrist.

since i am ink heavy on my left side, i decided that if i got yellow roses, they would be on my right side. and i thought about maybe getting them on my ribs. (OUCH!) and then i decided to get them around my rabbit symbol i have on my back.

well, when Ian was in town last weekend, we FINALLY did it. i got my roses.

the artist, Craig, redid my rabbit, too to make it look REALLY kickass.

i love love love it!

Happy Birthday, Old Man. the Townsend roses are complete!

WHOA!

2008-10-08T08:34:00.000-07:00

one week weigh in.

you ready?

i lost.... TEN POUNDS.

i KNOW not to expect results like this every week, cause i tried DAMN hard to kick start this weight loss. but still. now i think i shall reward myself with nail polish. i think for every pound lost that it will be a dollar towards my nail polish ~~dependency~~ fund.

and i have also decided that when i lose all the weight i want to, i am going shopping for new clothes.

side story: the other day i was thinking, "i haven't bought myself any new clothes in a WHILE, i should consider at least a new pair of jeans since the ones i love have a hole in the butt (aka the butthole jeans)" and when i was at target i DID buy myself some clothes. unfortunately they were pirate PJ bottoms. not EXACTLY what i was shooting for , but holy crapmonkeys they are cute!

OH and in addition to watching what i've been eating, i have also been drinking a metric fuckton of water. like a gallon a day. this is especially difficult when i am on the phone with customer service for someone and im doing the PeePee dance. WAY proffessional, no?

k. so. there you have it. YAY ME!
and thanks to all of you for your support and cheering (especially the BF who is doing FANTASTICALLY well too! keep up the good work, baby!)

phone tree

2008-10-07T15:05:00.000-07:00

Allie called and activated the phone tree the other day. it's not my place to discuss why, but to all involved, know that we love you. and are there when you need us.

and if you need us to bring chocolate and nail polish and likker, just say the word.
but for now, i'm sending HUGE hugs.

me,
with the love.

double dutch

2008-10-07T07:25:00.000-07:00

one week weigh-in is MORRRRROW. and i am pretty stoked. i am doing a 2 day juice fast right now, and have been watching my caloric intake.

and i bought a jump rope last night. the thought of me jumping rope kinda makes me giggle. but exercise is exercise, right? i mean i'm pretty sure i will burn MORE calories jumping rope like a schoolgirl, than i will holding down my couch.

so.... we shall seeeeeeee.....

Fatty McGee

2008-10-01T07:19:00.000-07:00

how funny that i follow a post about bacon cinnamon rolls with this post about starting a new diet today. the BF and i have decided that we are no longer going to be fatties and are going to lose some weight before the end of the year. i am going to lose 25. he's going to lose 30. we can TOTALLY do it. hell, we quit drinking for a month together, and made it. we can certainly diet together. we have both signed up on a calorie tracking site and my little progress meter is down at the bottom of the page. we are also both taking hoodia from my aunt's vitamin line and he wants me to join a gym with him. yeah... that one's gonna take a little bit more coercing.

the tough part is that both of our birthdays are coming up. as well as the holidays. at least i love a challenge. but im totally gonna do this. you just watch.

Bacon and what?

2008-09-30T10:33:00.000-07:00

DO WANT!

someone make these and bring them to my house.

BACON CINNAMON ROLLS

knit one... GIVE many!

2008-09-26T08:34:00.000-07:00

as some of you know, i am a knitter. our very own Alliepants taught me how years ago.

since then i have only been able to make flat things. scarves, blankets, washcloths. i have truckloads of yarn around my house. i am working on a giant afghan for my bed with really pretty fall colors. and since i am almost finished with it, i was rolling around what my next project would be. and who knew it would come to me in an email?

there was THIS story in my email from the yarn newsletter that i get weekly.

"Skein by skein. Month by month. A pledge starting with a single skein and taking it a month at time. Knitting up a skein’s worth of washcloths, preemie hats, Warm Up squares. Or working as far as a skein would go on a healing shawl or scarf or mittens. No real rules. No one checking out if a month gets skipped or a skein is not quite finished. "

so... my NEW project is gonna be knitting BLANKETS FOR CHARITY! i think i will go with this one, since it's in my hometown.

is that right up my alley or WHAT? i'm so excited. so, if you wanna buy me soft cottony yarns for my birthday, that will be SO perfect!

YAY KNITTING!

what can brown do for you?

2008-09-25T09:27:00.000-07:00

i had a salon night last night. colored my hair (hush, Allie) and did a pedi. and i somehow did them sorta the same color. my hair is a mix of toasted almond and hazelnut. and my toes are haute chocolate.

YAY BROWN.

at least i'm not beige.

and speaking of colors, color me excited about working the ACL fest on Friday. granted i don't get to see any of the shows that night, but the perks are the 3 day pass for FREEEEEEE.
i'm stoked about seeing

G. Love and Special Sauce
Robert Earl Keen
John Fogerty
Iron and Wine
Blues Traveler
The Raconteurs
and who knows what else i may hear as im walking from one stage to another!

maybe i will see some of you there!

oh, you're a dancer.

2008-09-16T07:41:00.000-07:00

i want to thank all of you who sent out good thoughts and vibes for Papa John. he came through with flying colors.

when i called him on Thursday morning, he sounded great. instead of replacing his leaky valve, they were able to repair it. and THAT is awesome! when we spoke, they had taken the respirator out and he was sitting up. he had been up and walking around and was doing great. he told me that it was a pretty good looking scar. he said that as a biker he needed some good scars and that all he had were just "weenie ones". i said, "hell of a way to get one. 'Excuse me, i will take the LARGE scar' and you KNOW chicks dig scars!"

here's to speedy healing for Papa John.

and Ian and i had a great visit too! we did try to break our livers. we had a blast just hanging out. we ate way too much food. and laughed until our sides hurt. then the stupid Navy was all, "we need you to leave BEFORE Saturday to come down to Corpus." ya know.. with the impending hurricane and all. and then when he got there, they said, "you TOTALLY could have waited until Monday" GAHHHHHHH.....

and in conclusion, Gulliver and i are done. this last time was to finish up unfinished business, i guess. or something. i'm ok. i have some sad moments about it occasionally, but it was inevitable and for the best. and i'm glad we gave it one more go. it was always an adventure.

now on to a new one. it's a little "bean in the cup" right now... (will and grace reference for those of you playing the home game) and i don't want to talk about it too much here. cause it's juicy and all... but let's just say, I'm HAPPY. i'm VERY happy. and THAT is goodness.

Wednesday

2008-09-08T12:13:00.000-07:00

ever have 2 things coming up that are polar opposites?

this Wednesday, by baby brother Ian is coming down to spend some days with me on his way to Corpus Christi.
on the same day, Papa John* is having heart surgery.

both of these things are big deals. so, i'm pretty sure i will be in some weird headspace then. and i'm sure Papa John will be fine. i mean CAAAAMMAAAANNNNN... he's Papa John. have you MET him?

so, send out some good thoughts for him on Wednesday. and send safe driving thoughts for Baby Brother Ian. and send healing liver thoughts for me. cause i'm pretty sure Ian and i will try to break ours over the course of 2 days.

cause THAT is how we roll. it's the Townsend way.

*Adopted Father figure who lives in Georgetown. we love him truckloads. he's ultra cute in a Pirate hat too.

i'm alive

2008-09-01T09:13:00.000-07:00

i swear.

just been busy busy bee and not too much to report. i mean i have a lot going on. just nothing that i care to catalog and write about right now. the majority of it is WAY personal life stuff. but let's just say i'm happy. and that does not suck.

and what else does not suck is that my toe color is called, "Have You Seen My Limo?" i mean come on people.... if that's not fancy as hell, then i don't know what is.

taking the Rottens to the pool today. and i see cold beers and grilled animal products in my future as well.

OH! and i'm a moron. i have been fighting with ants in my kitchen for about 3 weeks. and last night i had a "FUCKING DUH!" moment. for those of you that know me, my standard response to something random is "you know... ants don't like cinnamon" yes. that is correct ANTS DON'T LIKE CINNAMON. needless to say, my kitchen now smells very much like cinnamon. and i haven't seen any ants today.

at least i'm pretty.

Happy September, Y'all. may you not Labor today.

penguins and papers

2008-08-08T08:58:00.000-07:00

i went wednesday to the animal shelter to see if Roo was there. as i rounded one of the corners, i saw little orange feets. and i felt a shock that it MIGHT be him. and he was a VERY close match, but not my Roo. i looked at all the cats there. and asked what they did with all the ones in the back. and the lady said that they were kept there until there was room up front from those being adopted. but to keep checking back.... BUT that they were having a special on adoption right now. i hadn't considered getting another cat. but i found myself looking at some of them as if they might come home with me. even the orange one that looked like Roo, Charles, was a contender. but he was surrendered because he wasn't house broken. i didn't need to get ANOTHER peeing orange cat.

and as i was walking toward the door, i spotted some kittens in a cage. a tiger striped one and a black and white one. i stuck my finger through the bars to pet the tiger one, and the black and white one came up and shoved himself in front of the other one so i could pet him. he climbed up the bars and followed my hands whenever i tried to pet the other one. he had the cutest little pink nose too and was just a sweetie.

i talked myself out of taking him home and left without a new family member. and i have not stopped thinking about him since. i would love to have a new kitten in the house. and i could start him early on being an outside cat too. and i am sure the girls would get used to him. and and and and and...

the killer was this morning when i subconsciously named him. i was thinking about this black and white kitten... and the old joke popped into my head, "what's black and white and read all over?" and that's when i decided to name him Statesman. after the Austin American Statesman, our local newspaper. and then... AND THEN!!!! i can call him MANNY for short!

someone HAS to talk me out of this.

August 2nd

2008-08-02T07:57:00.000-07:00

TastyPants,

may your birthday "Rock in the Sack!"

i love you, my Little Challah Loaf!

~pumpernickel

blar

2008-07-27T14:55:00.000-07:00

i'm here. i havent had anything to blog about because Roo is still missing and my oven/stove still doesn't work.

i have been partying like a rockstar with Gulliver for the past week and it's been wonderful. work is busy.

i want chocolate. and a gin tonic.

that's all i can muster for now.'

when domestic house cats go wild!

2008-07-22T08:12:00.000-07:00

there is a label for my blog named "Only Me" for a reason. and here is one example why!

you all are familiar with Rooney, my pee-er. well since i have moved into a new place, i am exacting a zero-tolerance policy for peeing on my stuff. a week or so ago, Rooney had peed on the rug in the kitchen. i put him out in the back yard for about 5 hours. i went home at lunch and let him back in. he was not pleased with this, so i decided that maybe the front porch might be a better idea, since my neighbors have their cat out on their front porch. he'd been back in the house for a few days, slowly going outside with me occasionally. a little skittish, but getting used to it.

on Sunday morning, when i went into the kitchen, my cousin was laying on the couch. i told him that i didn't even hear him wake up. he told me that he slept on the couch, because Roo had peed on his air mattress. at which point, i grabbed Roo, rubbed his face in the peed on sheets and chucked him out the front door. he didn't like this one bit. he kept trying to get into the house, through the window and at one point, pulled the screen OFF the window. well, instead of going out the front door to fix the screen and run the risk of letting him back inside, i went around back and out the gate. when i got to the porch, we was pretty freaked out. he was huddled in the corner and was howling a little. when i picked up the screen and set it behind a chair i had on the porch, he tried to jump through the window, because he could see into the house. he bounced off and freaked. he then tried to jump into the house through the window again, and bounced off landing slightly on his back, with his front claws stuck in the screen and his back leg caught in the slats of the chair and now was hissing and starting to puff up. and still howling. i remember looking at him, and asking him "really??? really?", as i was able to basically look all the way down his throat from the howling and hissing. once i realized that he was caught in the chair, i figured that was part of the reason he was so freaked out.

i considered how to get him free, all the while him hissing and howling. (this was SUCH a mistake) when i leaned forward to maybe grab his back leg, he flipped over and attached himself to my leg. with the claws buried deep in my leg and the teeth firmly planted in my knee, i screamed bloody murder. i then somehow got him off my leg and he ran away. i stood there for a minute shocked, and waiting for my cousin and neighbor to come running out to find out why i was screaming. when that didn't happen, i gained my composure, and hobbled back to the gate. by the time i reached the house, the blood was already coming through my jeans. and my arm was bleeding pretty well too. as i went down the hall, my cousin came running out asking WTF happened. seeing the blood on my arm and jeans, he got really worried. i told him what happened and then started to clean up my arm. once i got my jeans off, it was a horrible sight. puncture wounds, bruises, pooling blood. here is the picture after i got it all cleaned up.

meanwhile, its 2 days later and still no sign of Rooney. i'm a little worried. i feel horrible for the whole thing. and i've gotten flamed on one of my message boards. being told that i was abusive and mistreating the cat. and that i should have given him away when he started peeing on things. i dont think that is a better option than making him an outside cat. i think it's a worse one. but whatever. everyone is entitled to their own opinions.

but i will heal. and Roo will come home. of this, i'm sure.

OH! and Zach is now home, out of the hospital. and healing. thank you all for your good thoughts and prayers.

update on Z

2008-07-18T08:57:00.000-07:00

i just got an email from my mom.

they have taken him off the respirator, he's breathing on his own. it seems the drugs have finally left his body. there is a little muscle damage due to the OD, but its on the miscroscopic level. he has a urinary infection. his kidneys are still producing, but having a hard time filtering. he is still sedated, but a different sedative now.

they have taken off the neck brace and leg restraints.

he's getting there...

and thanks for all the love and good thoughts!

don't take the Brown Acid

2008-07-17T12:14:00.000-07:00

ever have someone do something SO stupid you want to strangle them, but what they did was so dangerous that you can't bring yourself to be mad AT them?

guess who's brother is in the ICU?

Zach decided to be a little adventurous and take LSD. not sure how much he took, but apparently it was laced with something. it caused him to FREAK THE FUCK OUT. he stripped down naked and began to beat the shit out of himself in the back yard and cause a real ruckus. at 5 am, the neighbors called the cops. the cops called the ambulance. and they had to wrestle him and sedate him in order to get him in the ambulance.

super.

when they got him to the ER, since he was naked, he didn't have any ID. so they put him in an ER room and admitted him with a number, no name. when his girlfriend called the hospital to find out where they took him, they couldn't find him in their system. and this is when she called our mom to let her know what happened. the hospital wouldn't give her any information, since he's over 18. but finally let her know that a man matching the description was in ICU.

they have kept him sedated. he is on a respirator. he is also restrained. his heart rate is through the roof. it was 107 yesterday, and was 133 at one point today. he has yet to see a doctor, because it can take up to 24 hours for them to come by. and i am in the "GO SEE HIM NOW!" place. but i can't do shit from here.

so mom and i think that i whatever it was he got a hold of had been laced with PCP or something of the like. cause i've heard of bad acid trips, but DAMN.

and i know he will be fine. at least he will until i get MY hands on him.

stick your head in the oven.

2008-07-15T08:03:00.000-07:00

oh wait....

please add to that previous list:

an oven that doesn't work.
and a ruined bookcase due to the water leaking out into my garage.

and still no acknowledgement from the property management company about the water leak. i sent an email last night about the oven and got a response about an hour ago... but the SEVERAL emails i've sent over the past week, about the water, have gone unnoticed.

i'm starting to get pissed. i'm so done with feeling bad that i've had to contact them so much. i'm now at the OVER it place. and i've only been there a week.

if it's not ants, it's fleas.

2008-07-10T07:48:00.001-07:00

i forget who told me that saying, but right now, it's SO appropriate.

remember the part about my house not being found by several companies. that should have been a flag. a GIANT red flag.

to recap and update:

cable can't find me.
power can't find me.
informed of a possible water leak in the utility closet that was gone upon move-in.
spiders in the house. (yeah i know)
no hot water. i mean NO water AT all coming out of the taps.

so i moved on Sunday in all funk and nasty and had NO hot shower. and then moved some more stuff the next day and got even MORE funk and nasty. i went to Gulliver's for a shower on Tuesday. i was FILTHY. finally got the plumber to come out yesterday and he found that the hot water had been turned off at the water heater. and THAT's why i didnt see a leak in the utility room. what a bullshit move, eh? so yeah, i've been paying for water to heat and run for over 16 hours now.

and i don't want to call the property management company AGAIN. i feel like i have called EVERY day. and i think they must hate me now. and everyone tells me that i should get some compensation on my rent for this. but i don't want to piss them off more.

sheesh. i'm exhausted.

agua caliente

2008-07-09T15:27:00.000-07:00

i have WATER!!!! and it's HOT!!!!!

details to follow.

el six-o

2008-07-06T08:03:00.000-07:00

today would have been our 6th wedding anniversary. and its hitting me a little harder than i want it to. the loop in my head is "stop thinking about it, stop thinking about it, stop thinki... there you go again"

and i am having to sit on my hands to NOT send him SOMETHING... ANYTHING... cause nothing good will come of it. i know that anything i expect to get from him in a response will only hurt more. and sure, there's that tiny part that wishes, wonders, hopes that he realizes what today is.

and to make it worse, the 19th is 2 years since i moved out and last saw his face.
and the 29th would have been our 8th anniversary of being together.

yes, i know i have to let it go. and dammit, i do a really good job during the rest of the year. but FUCK, i hate July.

The ABCs of Me

2008-07-03T08:15:00.000-07:00

Accent: i dont have one, unless i am talking to someone with one. but i get asked what part of NY i'm from a lot.

Breakfast or no breakfast: i didnt used to... but i typically have about 8-10 spoonfuls of an organic yogurt with acidopholus in it, first thing when i wake up.

Chore I don’t care for: taking out the trash. i have been known to drive over to my mom's house to pick up my brother to then take him over to MY house to take my trash out.

Dog or Cat: cats. 3 of em. i am SO over this fur nonsense though.

Essential Electronics: phone. wait, does that count? if not, then my iPod.

Favorite Cologne: carolina herrera

Gold or Silver: silver

Handbag I carry most often: the red one i got from allie, when she stole my brown one.

Insomnia: yeah, not THIS girl. i'm a good sleeper.

Job Title: Coffee Goddess

Kids: not yet.

Living Arrangements: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE i'm moving this weekend!!!!!

Most Admirable Trait: my joy for the simple things in life.

Naughtiest Childhood Behavior: heh. i was a nail biter and a thumb sucker, how weird that i hardly EVER put my hands in my mouth now, unless they are still dripping wet from the hand-washing.

Overnight hospital stays: only when i was borned.

Phobias: hah. see also hand-washing. and icebergs. *shudder*

Quote: "Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!" -Auntie Mame

Reason to smile: dude. look around. there is magic EVERYWHERE.

Siblings: 3. 2 bruddahs and a seester. and then the ones i have adopted to my family. see also: Numbers

Time I wake up: which time? when i drag my ass off the couch at night? or in the morning? usually around 7.

Unusual Talent or Skill: i've been able to tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue since i was like, 5?

Vegetable I Refuse to Eat: PEAS. whoever invented peas needs to have them shoved up his or her nostrils till they cant breathe anymore. guh-ross.

Worst Habit: bein a smartass

X-rays: at the chiropractors (i hear some of you snickering)

Yummy Stuff: i would love someone to make me a Bailey's Cheesecake.

Zoo Animal I Like Most: the lions

LO!

2008-07-02T11:34:00.000-07:00

and behold....

it is ALSO Lola's birthday today!

here's to you, My Little Pocket Queen!

WHO KEYS?

2008-07-02T11:12:00.000-07:00

momma's got KEEEEEEEEYS!

granted i cant move anything in until tomorrow, but i gots em!

know what else else i have? a hangover. a good one. the hazy, 3 more hours of sleep would do wonders, anyone for another cocktail to get back to center, don't even recall the details of the dirty-dirty last night, old fashioned hangover. pity me.

i can hear my mom now, "i have no sympathy, you did this to yourself." no, actually Gulliver did this to myself. he was the one pouring. and then more pouring. and then some more, dear?

OH! and this may come as a surprise to some of you, but i SUCK at Guitar Hero. that may have been due to the gallons of vodka coursing through my veins at 11pm.

so yeah. i havent even packed a box. but i have some. i have transferred utilities and such. and have mentally decorated the House in the Hamptons... but the way i feel right now, moving ANYTHING tonight is SOOOOOOOOO not on the agenda.

meh.

windtalker

2008-07-01T08:55:00.001-07:00

some people have code words for certain things in their life. some people have their own "isms". i have a friend that we MAINLY speak in code. partly cause we IM a lot at work and partly cause it's now become more funner to do so.

i will give you last night as an example. i got a text from him around 10pm that read "MOCON?" which translates into, "are you available to talk?" and the reason it means this, is neither he or i can drive ANYWHERE without being on the phone, so we have dubbed our driving to be "Mobile Conferencing". he would call me and say, "mobile conferencing: ON" and on my blackberry i can make shortcuts for phrases. so i saved "mobile conferencing: ON" as mobcon in my phone. when i told my friend this, he then adopted calling it MOCON. see the logic? right.

meanwhile, i responded back with "lilliput". which translated into "i am unable to chat right now, i am at Gulliver's house".

yes. for real.

when i thought about this, it just made me giggle. that in a world of faster food and weird internet chat phrases, a friend and i have created our own language that makes no sense to anyone but us.

aren't secrets fun?

"that's not normal"

2008-06-30T15:21:00.000-07:00

what a bitch of a day.

i spent about 2 hours this morning, before work transferring all my stuff to my new house. washer and dryer, no problem. time warner, can't find my house number on my street. power company, can't find my house on my street, so i had to call the company that reads the meters to get my ESI ID, which is the number that identifies my electric service. they only found 3 house numbers on my street, but gave me one that might work. i called power company back and that number didn't work. so, i called my leasing company. apparently it was RAGING BITCH day there. i spoke to the "Agent On Call" who actually said to me at one point, "its not like i have a magic wand that i can MAKE the utility companies find you"

FUH REAL? you wanna play like THAT?
ahhright.

so when i tried to tell her all of the avenues i had been down in order to find my answer, in between her interrupting me, she said, "i haven't even HEARD of those companies". at which point all my nice rubbed off. i then, ever so politely told her, "sweetie, the company i called was the one that both, MY power company and the one you have listed on the move-in sheet, use in order to read their meters." once she realized i wasn't messing around when i asked for the previous tenant, or owner's information, she got even MORE snippy. "yeah well i can't fix your problem. i would suggest talking to the manager of the companies". that's when i thanked her for her time, hung up on her and sent a scathing email to her office manager. momma was in NO mood to fuck around.

finally i called the other energy company and got the correct ESI ID and then called mine back and got it all resolved.

and that was ALL before i even left for work.
when i got to work, i figured that since i WORK for the phone company, i could get THAT taken care of relatively easily. so i ran my address for other services and it came back that i could have our NEW-FANGLED tv and internet service. insert happy dance *here*. WHEE! a silver lining! i got all the way through the process and then saw the words "no sale" flash across my screen. when i called to inquire about the issue, i was informed that we had a glitch in the system that was making EVERYONE green for said service. i even said to the kid on the phone "insert STRING OF EXPLETIVES here" ver batim.

OH and then... i had my mouth all watered up (SUCH a mom saying) for samosas from this indian place around the corner... and yep. they were closed today. muther trucker!

yeah. the universe was a-gin me today.

after i had been at work for about 3 hours, i then got a text from a friend that his dog was hit by a car and died. so i guess it wasn't just a pisser of a day for just me.

when a co-worker mentioned Walgreens, the light bulb went off that maybe Momma needed some retail therapy. so during lunch i bought 5 new nail polishes and 2 candy bars. uh-huh... it was THAT kind of day.

when i got back from lunch, i informed the co-worker that i had gone to Walgreens and bought 5 new nail polishes and then mentioned that Ang had once asked, "are there ever colors of the rainbow left that you DON'T own?" i guess so. and as i was talking about buying 5 new nail polishes, i said, "i already OWN over 200 nail polishes... like i needed 5 more" and that's when the assistant manager looked up from what he was doing and said, "you own over 200 nail polishes???? that's not normal!"

to which i replied, "for the Numbers it is" and he just shook his head knowingly.

so here we sit at 5:38pm. i am at work for another 3 and a half hours. i'm kinda curious what else will happen in that time.

wish me luck.

i live in the Hamptons!!!!!!!

2008-06-27T13:38:00.000-07:00

yeah bitches!!!!!

i got it!

i am actually on the phone with the property management guy RIGHT now... and i totally EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE'd him. he was a little taken aback.

he was funny. he said, "one tiny thing, can you wait until the third to move in?" and i said "SURE! ever you need! cause i'm not homeless until the 9th!"

so, Momma, come help me pack. cause you KNOW i will wait until the 2nd to do it.

now? now? how about now?

2008-06-27T07:27:00.000-07:00

come on come on come on CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNN.....

i wanna know about the damned house already. hell, i have already furnished it in my head. and i have also gone into debt thinking about how i am gonna get all my stuff from a 1 bedroom, 1 bath apartment into a 3 bedroom, 2 bath duplex!!!!! i need more stuff! like a bistro table for my porch. and new stuff for my OTHER bathroom. and oh yeah... something for Ang to sleep on in HER OWN ONE ROOM....

sheesh i have worn myself out already, just thinking about it.
can i know now? how about now? NOW?!?!?!?!

house in the Hamptons...

2008-06-26T07:28:00.000-07:00

k, so Monday i went and looked at some duplexes. the first one was built in 1983. it wasn't too bad. it was small and had been well lived in. the second one was also built in 1983. it was cute! great floor plan. but it was on the corner of a VERY busy street. which wouldnt normally be an issue, except that Rooney will be an outside cat when i move. and on that busy street and as dumb as he is, he would be squish-like-grape. the third one was built in 1976 and smelled like cat pee when we walked in. it had paneled walls and was very spacious. but EWW. and as we were leaving all of the Austin properties, i said to the agent, "i am trying to move farther south and the next one we look at is close to where i live now, and i'm sure THAT's the one i will fall in love with"

this one was built in 1999. it's even bigger than the ones we looked at. but its clean and pretty and i want it. i want it BAD. its a little more than what i was looking to spend. but i can have and office for me and a guest room. or as Ang said, "I CAN HAVE MY OWN ROOOOOM!"

yes honey, you can!

now i need all of you to send out good JUJU. for SouthHampton.

for those of you with daughters

2008-06-22T07:38:00.001-07:00

especially Angela and Austin.

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, driving record, lineage, and current certified medical report (including drug tests) from your doctor.

1. NAME ____________________ DATE OF BIRTH ________________

2. HEIGHT _________ WEIGHT _______ I.Q _______ G.P.A._________

3. SOCIAL SECURITY # ___________ DRIVERS LICENSE # ______________

4. BOY SCOUT RANK_____________________________________

5. HOME ADDRESS _________________ CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP __________

6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? _____________________

If No, EXPLAIN __________________________________________

7. Number of years your parents have been married_______________

8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? ______ A waterbed? _________

Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or a tattoo? _______

(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)

9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?__________________________________________________

10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?__________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________

11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?____________________________________________________

12. Church you attend ____________ How often do you attend________________

13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? __________________

14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone -ever- I promise.)

a ) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is __________________

b ) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ________________________

c ) A woman's place is in the _______________________________________________

d ) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _____________________

e ) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is _______________________

(NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)

15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ____________________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.

________________________________________
Signature (That means sign your name)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication before your application is approved, automatic disqualification will result.
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might want to watch your back).

Do you still want to date my daughter?

_____ Yes, please accept my application
_____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house...

home again home again jiggity jog

2008-06-18T08:41:00.000-07:00

k, so i don't REALLY know where that phrase is from, but i remember my mom saying it when we would pull into the drive way. and it's a little more upbeat than how i feel about being home... but meh, what can you do?

i'm home. and i don't wanna be. i didn't get nearly enough time with the Numbers. i didn't even get to see Donna AT ALL (i'm still cussing about that) and there was so much more that i wanted to do in Cinci...

but i digress. i have pictures and stories and pictures and stories... but right now i am waiting for some guys to come take a look at my truck and hopefully give me appropriate legal tender, load the Wonder Truck onto a towing dolly, and drive it away. (yeah, i'm trying not to think about the emotion that SHOULD be involved with that... deedeedee)

and then off to the pool, since i'm still on Vacay until Tuesday of next week.

more to come. stay on the edge of your seats. i will bring the funny and photographs unto you chortly. but here's one to whet your whistles.

deuces, chickens.

Junior

2008-06-10T07:04:00.000-07:00

Dear Kenneth,

While I am proud of you that you have finally hit Home Run number 600, it saddens me that you didn't wait 3 days for ME to see it. I thought we were closer than that. I thought we had something special. I thought that you understood that being one of the Pretend Boyfriends was an elite honor. And that in that group, you still have to maintain my happiness. In ways like, NOT doing coke off hooker's asses, NOT being traded to the Yankees, or pulling something as STUPID as Adam Sandler did, like wearing a Yankees hat in public (yes, Angela broke up with him over that).

That being said, you are still in my favor. But I am still hurt that you didn't wait for me. I mean even Sammy Sosa had the courtesy to hit number 500 while I was there... and he isn't even Backup Pretend Boyfriend status. Sure, "Baseball has been berry berry good to heem" but I have been berry berry good to you. I have been a faithful and loyal Reds fan for almost 7 years, which you and I both know can sometimes be a hard thing to do. But, I have stood by you when all the nay-sayers were saying, "He's too old. He can't stay healthy. His moment in the sun is over". I have cringed when you you take off across the field and dive to catch a ball, and I hold my breath when you launch yourself off the ground and into the wall to make impossible catches. I have cried when you and the boys won and cheered you on during the slumps.

So, regardless of where you play, (I'm looking at YOU, Seattle) I will continue to remain faithful as long as you don't pull another stunt like you did last night.

In closing, I will see you in 3 days, My Dear.
and
GO REDS!

inkpots

2008-06-09T11:32:00.000-07:00

last night, Allie and i were on the phone trying to figure out Three Tattoos. yes, the Threes are getting tattoos. and we have vacillated between a 3... braille for 3... braille for "three"... a Hindu symbol for 3... and last night, it went even way more into Crazy land.

Allie and i were at each of our respective computers, with our phones on speaker, clickety-clackety-ing through various web pages and email accounts. she found one site that had several languages and she picked the Bangladeshi symbol for 3. and then i wanted to see what it looked like written out. so we had to try and find the font and then unzip it and it didn't work and then i said, "do we really want to make the words 'it's BANGLADESHI for THREE?" and we agreed that it sounded kinda weird. and if on the OFF chance we got it wrong and it spelled "terrorist" or "whore" or "eggs" then it made more sense to get something that we KNOW says the right thing.

as we were looking at symbols and words and more symbols, every time i found something, Allie would say, "DONE! LETS DO IT!" and that's when i realized that though we are VERY similar in aspects of our life, she is DEFINITELY more "Vegas wedding" about a tattoo than i am. i need a long engagement and china patterns. Allie needs a few belts of bourbon and a willing Elvis impersonator.

we have agreed on one as of MONDAY... but we still have 4 days until we really get together for ink. you never know... we may still end up with Bangladeshi for WHORE.

*********EDITED for Lo.*********

it's irish and three-ish

LOOK LOOK LOOK!

2008-06-07T08:44:00.000-07:00

i got em! i had to stifle the EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE at the Tax Assessors office. luckily i got the same girl who helped me last time, so she understood my excitement.

but look!

LOOOOOOK!

ONE WEEK

2008-06-05T09:33:00.000-07:00

(insert humming of BareNaked Ladies HERE)

Ang and i leave in ONE WEEK for Baseball '08!

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

we both are having a hard time NOT packing our bags right this moment. we are both having a hard time not just sitting at the airport at 6 am, next Thursday, to ask them if they will let us go on ANY plane to Louisville. we are having a hard time NOT bursting into shrieks of glee at random times of the day.

yes, you read that right, Louisville. its cheaper for us to fly into Lville and drive to Cinci.. AND AND AND we get to have dinner at Chez Lola with the 4 food groups, Sauce, Bacon, Chocolate, and Likker. OH AND ALLIE too! yeah, she will already be there! so, suck on THAT, bitches!

can we go now? how bout now? now? how about now?

3 tickets to Reds vs. Red Sox : $824
2 plane tickets and rental car: $769
shirts and hats and gifts in preparation: $234
baseball with your Very Best Friend and introducing her to the Numbers: PRICELESS

For AlliePants

2008-06-02T13:03:00.000-07:00

M. Hull

2008-05-29T09:18:00.000-07:00

I wrote most of this a few days before Mimi died. And I looked back at it after she passed, and I was going to research “How To Write a Eulogy” to make sure that it didn’t end up seeming like an essay childishly titled, “My Mimi, by Christel Hull” and then I remembered the part in Forrest Gump when his mama died and he told the story like he was telling it to her, “you died on a Thursday…” but that wasn’t right either. And the more I thought about how to do it properly, the more I knew that anything coming from the heart would be the exact right thing to say. So I guess I still ended up with an essay. But these are my words. My words for my Mimi.

I am my grandmother’s granddaughter. Most girls are Daddy’s Girls. I was not that girl, but the bond that I shared with my grandmother was one that was precious for just us.

I am the oldest grandchild of five and the only girl. I wasn’t spoiled, nor did I get away with anything more than the boys, but my Mimi time was different than theirs. I was the one that played dress up. I was the one that wore her costume jewelry to the Club. I was the one that danced with her and Pop to their old Les Brown 8-tracks. She also instilled a very southern way in me.

But, she was not the type of grandmother who baked cookies. She did special things for us all; she always made sure there were granny smith apples for me when I visited. And during our “Tea Parties” around 3pm, we would have a Snickers bar and an ice cold, green glass, bottled coke while we played cards. Every now and then, around 3 in the afternoon, I think to myself, “It sure would be a good time for a tea party”. And I KNOW she still had them. You could open a random drawer in her house, or even where she was living, after Maplehill, and find a Snickers bar. She loved the little indulgences in life.

Mimi was also magical. She made the Wizard of Oz come on network television whenever I would visit her, and I would lie on that hard linoleum and we would watch it after dinner, completely amazed that it was on while I was there. It didn’t matter if it was spring, or summer, or a weekend in January, it ALWAYS came on. She somehow, did that for us and I still don’t know how. I remember when I was younger and would tell my mom that I wanted to buy something “Wizard of Oz” for Mimi for her birthday or Mother’s day, she didn’t understand, and would tell me that I should get her something else, until a year or so after I was grown and married, I called my mom when the Wizard of Oz had come on TV, and told her the story of how it ALWAYS came on for Mimi and I… and then she understood that it was OUR dear and unique thing.

So many habits and ways of doing things skipped my mother and are being carried on by me, too. And I think that is due to wanting to make our OWN way when we grow up. Saying, “when I move out, I’m going to do THIS differently…” and the mother that my mom and aunt had is a different woman than I grew up with. I would make dinner at my mom’s house and wash out the jars and save the lids. To my mom, she would rather NEVER see a drawer full of lids ever again. I cook my crinkle cut fries in a leftover aluminum Stouffer’s pan. I cook my scrambled eggs on low and try to make them look and taste like “Mimi Eggs”. I keep my precious jewelry in a satin pouch that she gave me and I sometimes rub my knee when I am on the phone, like she did. In fact, the morning that she died, I was unloading my dishwasher and I had several jars and lids and it made me pause and smile when I put them up. Because even though we were not related by blood, I am proud to have some of her quirks and mannerisms.

But she was not a perfect woman. And I only knew that from what I occasionally witnessed and heard from my family, but when she got sick three years ago and made that amazing comeback, she changed. She made peace with herself and with those in her life. She became the Mimi she was to me, to everyone else. And THAT is for what I am MOST grateful. That MY family got to know the woman I have known all my life.

So here we are, crying and mourning and wondering what to do to fill the gaping hole that she left in all of our lives, but I would like you to know that THIS… This is to celebrate the woman that did her crossword puzzles in pen and bought snacks for the guys who did her lawn. The woman who looked astonishing in purple and had a laugh that was infectious. The woman who was hard and strict and loving and kind. The woman who had a line in the kitchen, where the linoleum seam was, and while she was cooking you weren’t allowed to cross, and a woman you NEVER wanted to see “ACRIMONIOUS”. The woman who would use string to measure wrapping paper so there wasn’t any waste and the woman who used to wear the funniest hats to bed. The woman who said, “PIZZER” and “DINNAH”, and kept her 9 different shades of Mauve nail polish in the refrigerator. The woman who asked, “is it MY time?” when playing cards, or Scrabble, (which her husband cheated at, by the way.) One, who had an unquenchable thirst for knowledge, yet watched her soaps without fail. The woman who was still as sharp and quick-witted until her final days. The woman who loved her family so deeply and loyally and completely and unerringly that so many of you have gathered here today to wish her well on her next journey.

So Mimi, my CUTE GIRL… yes, yes it is YOUR TIME. Fly away knowing that you have touched SO many hearts and minds and you will forever be imprinted on our souls. As Dorothy told the Scarecrow, “I think I will miss YOU the most”.

when i got to the church, i saw a man standing outside of the door, and i thought to myself, "that man is shaped like a smaller version of My Gay" since i didnt have my contacts in and it was completely OUT of context, it didnt sink in that it WAS my gay. he drove down from Wichita Falls that day for the service. what a sweet sweet boy. luh you bunches, Lambchop!

and then, after the service , people came up to me and asked how i was able to say all of that. and i just told them Mimi wanted me to, so i just did it.

the ceremony was beautiful. the "wake" was beautiful. it was all perfect for one amazing woman.

SOOOOOOOOOOO not snakes.

2008-05-24T08:11:00.000-07:00

i got a text from My Gay the other day informing me of NEW MnMs. and i know MnMs by themselves are fantastic. BUT the words "Indiana Jones Mint Crisp MnMs" made me swoon. cause you KNOW momma likes the mint and chocolate. and you KNOW that i have trained my Gays that THAT is the way to my heart.

i have searched high and low since i read those beautiful words in a text message a week ago. and i have been in Targets, WalMarts, Walgreens, Randalls, and a CVS looking for them. Target was even so hateful to have the new Indiana Jones Plain and Peanut ones, and then the GLARINGLY empty spots where the Mint ones SHOULD go.

my co-workers have listened to my plight. Ang and Allie have listened to my plight. My Gay has listened to my plight.... and finally the universe heard me. i got a text last night from a co-worker asking if it was "the mint crisp ones you're looking for, right?" YES! resoundingly YES! abso-freaking-lutley YES!

upon my arrival at the Saturday morning meeting at 8 in the am, i was greeted with not one, but TWO big bags of Indiana Jones Mint Crisp MnMs for my veryownpersonal person. i waited 2 hours and 18 minutes before their siren song weakened my resolve.

lemme JUST say,

UH

MAH

GAH

i am IN Love.

go get some. go right now. get some. eat em. and if you don't like them, i will give them a good home. i promise.

she's gone

2008-05-22T09:18:00.000-07:00

cant quite make words. i wrote her eulogy a few days ago. i will post it here after the service in a couple of days because its good words. and because i want everyone to have a piece of her in their soul.

and i will be headed up to McKinney next week.

i'm empty. and sad. but i know she is in a better place. i know that she died with southern grace. and having lived a life FULL of love and adventure.

i miss you so much, already, old girl.

Sweep The LEG!

2008-05-20T06:20:00.000-07:00

THIS is quite possibly the Best Video I Have Seen in A Very Long Time.

i was riveted.
here. you decide.

learning

2008-05-18T08:39:00.000-07:00

i read THIS blog every Sunday.
sometimes they hit home. sometimes they make me sad. sometimes they give me courage.

this one made me burst into tears the moment i saw it.

i've said many goodbyes lately. and no matter how much i learn, it still hurts.

miriam starr hull

2008-05-15T07:57:00.000-07:00

my mimi is slowly slipping away. and i know its time. and i know i have said my goodbyes. and i know that in the next place in her life she will be able to see and breathe and soar, but the selfish part of me doesn't want to completely let her go.

for those of you who have met her, you know the amazing force she is.
for those of you who haven't met her, know that i AM my grandmother's granddaughter.
for those of you who will get to meet her in the next life, squeeze her tight.

i love you Mimi.
~big blue

You Are My Sunshine

The other night dear, as I lay sleeping,
I dreamed I held you in my arms,
but when I woke dear, I was mistaken,
and I hung my head and cried.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
you make me happy when skies are gray
you'll never know dear, how much I love you,
please don't take my sunshine away.

VIRTUAL MOTHER'S DAY

2008-05-11T06:49:00.000-07:00

since i can't be with all the women in my life that are fantastic mothers, i have decided to prepare a Virtual Mother's Day.

starting with flowers... (my veryownpersonal mother's favorite are daisies.)

and since this is MY imagination, flowers would be followed by coffee that i had roasted and brewed.

and of COURSE breakfast will consist of bacon...

eggs... (prepared EVER how you want them... DUH)

and to be COMPLETELY decadent, Brioche French Toast Waffles.
yeah i said it. and it made ME feel guilty to even type it.

perhaps a mimosa?

maybe a bloody mary?

and then round it all off with a nap.

Happiest of Mother's Days to all of you. luh yous.

~christel

WonderTruck

2008-05-07T12:52:00.000-07:00

welp.... i finally did it. let's see if we get any nibbles.

Doesn't Run, but still has Spunk

it's gonna be weird to sell her.

din-din

2008-05-06T10:01:00.000-07:00

k, so Friday is the one year anniversary of when Gulliver and i had our first date. i am gonna make him a fancy dinner, but have NO idea what to make.

i need suggestions!!!!!

i have some ideas for sides, but the ACTUAL dinner part eludes me. i found a recipe for proscuitto wrapped asparagus. and i was going to make a spinach, strawberry and smoked walnut salad. but for the main course.... i'm lost.

HELP!

*edit*

possible menu:

Grilled Tilapia Piccata en Papillote
Sweet, mild tilapia blends exceeding well with lemon, capers, butter and white wine in this deceptively easy meal. The parchment paper lends a fancy touch to a very simple and fast dish.
Serves 2
1 tablespoon olive oil, divided
2 tilapia fillets (about 6 ounces each), skinned, rinsed and patted dry
1 teaspoon olive oil, divided
2 tablespoons butter, divided
1/4 cup dry white wine, divided
juice of l lemon, divided
1/4 cup sweet onion, chopped, divided
2 tablespoons fresh parsley, divided
2 tablespoons capers, chopped, divided
2 garlic cloves, minced
1/2 teaspoon sea salt, divided
1/2 teaspoon pepper, divided
1 tablespoon fresh parsley (for garnish)
Preheat grill to medium-high heat. Coat the inside bottom of two large squares of heavy-duty foil with oil. Place two sheets of parchment paper over the oiled foil and coat the bottom of the parchment paper with oil.
Center tilapia fillets on parchment and drizzle each with 1/2 teaspoon olive oil. Top each with 1 tablespoon butter, 2 tablespoons wine, lemon juice, 2 tablespoons onion, 1 tablespoon parsley, 1 tablespoon capers, garlic and 1/4 teaspoon salt and 1/4 teaspoon pepper.
Fold up the edges of the parchment and seal to keep tasty juices inside. Fold foil over parchment to contain it, making a small pouch. Center fish over heat. With the grill cover on, grill for 8-12 minutes or until tilapia flakes easily. Open foil, remove parchment pouches to individual plates, cut top of paper and peel back edges to serve. Garnish with fresh parsley.

Prosciutto-Wrapped Asparagus
Serves 4
20 stalks of asparagus
4 thin slices of prosciutto, fat removed
4 teaspoons unsalted butter
freshly ground pepper
1/2 cup freshly grated Reggiano Parmesan
1 lemon, quartered
Cut off tough ends of asparagus. Cover asparagus with water in a skillet; bring to a boil and cook until tender but still firm, 3–4 minutes. Drain well.
Divide asparagus into 4 bundles of 3 stalks each. Wrap prosciutto slice around center of bundle. Place the bundles into oven-proof dish; dot with butter; season with pepper, and sprinkle with parmesan cheese. Place in the oven to brown the cheese, 4–5 minutes.
Serve with lemon wedge.

Parmesan Roasted Potatoes
1 1/2 pounds new potatoes, unpeeled, cut into 1-inch chunks
3 tablespoons olive oil
1 1/2 teaspoons kosher salt
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
1 cup (4 ounces) grated Parmesan
8 sprigs fresh thyme
Heat oven to 400° F. In a medium bowl, combine all the ingredients. Transfer to a roasting pan or 9-by-13-inch baking dish. Roast, stirring once, until golden brown and crisp, about 50 minutes. Serve hot or at room temperature.

still working on dessert? and i was told that the salad might not GO with the other dishes.

take time to realize

2008-05-05T14:51:00.000-07:00

sometimes lyrics come at the EXACT time you need them.

REALIZE
Colbie Caillat

Take time to realize,
That your warmth is
Crashing down on in.
Take time to realize,
That I am on your side
Didn't I,
Didn't I tell you.
But I can't spell it out for you,
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I cant spell it out for you

If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other and will never find another
Just realized what I just realized we'd never have to wonder if we missed out on each other now.

Take time to realize
Oh-oh I'm on your side didn't I, didn't I tell you.
Take time to realize
This all can pass you by
Didn't I tell you
But I can't spell it out for you, no it's never gonna be that simple no I can't spell it out for you.
If you just realized what I just realized then we'd be perfect for each other then we'd never find another
Just realized what I just realized we'd never have to wonder if we missed out on each other now.

It's not always the same no it's never the same if you don't feel it too.
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you.
If you just realize what I just realized then we'd be perfect for each other then we'd never find another
Just realize what I just realized we'd never have to wonder
Just realize what I just realized
If you just realize what I just realized

(words and music by Colbie Caillat reprinted without permission)

HARPO

2008-04-29T11:16:00.000-07:00

so, Angela informed me this morning that her husband thinks i look like a white version of Oprah.

yeah. Winfrey. OPRAH. WINFREY. a 60 year old Black Woman. i asked, "does he REALLY think i look like an old black woman??!?!?!?! FUH REAL?"

she said, "he said, look at her eyes. and mouth, and nose" at which point i interjected with , "HOW?????? my nose is SO small that when i was in second grade, i fell off a swing ONTO my face and had scrapes on my forehead and upper lip... COMPLETELY missed my nose, it's so small!"

and then she said, "well you DO have black woman lips" i do? do i? fuh real? no.

and while i was on the phone with her, i google imaged the Lovely and Talented Oprah.

and then yelled into the phone, "OHMYGAW I DOOOOOOO I DOOOO LOOK LIKE OPRAH!!!!!"

and it's kinda true.

i'm Bizarro Oprah. well, she IS a beautiful woman. i guess it's a compliment.

bad touch

2008-04-28T10:04:00.000-07:00

the BEST thing i heard all day, yesterday:

"if i could clean this house JUST by touching my penis, this place would be so clean all the time, you could do BRAIN SURGERY"

i'm still giggling about this.

more perfecter

2008-04-22T11:07:00.000-07:00

so. the plans have changed. i am not moving to McKinney yet. i am gonna rent a house and roast out of my garage. i have an agent who sends me listings several times a week. today i checked the listings and found a house on Johnny Bench Court. NO FOR REAL!

want the ACTUAL directions?
you will LOVE this. or maybe appreciate how much I LOVE them.... ready, here it go:

I35 North, 79 East, Left on Nolan Ryan, Right on Hank Aaron, Right on Willie Mays, Right on Johnny Bench

SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!?!

the rent is $1,195 a month for a 3BR. i am trying to talk my friend Ed into breaking his lease and renting with me. not sure how THAT will go... needless to say, i would need a roomie.

anyone else wanna live on Johnny Bench Court with me?

nintendo thumb

2008-04-20T13:01:00.000-07:00

when i say "really the ONLY way i communicate is with text messages.."

i'm SO not kidding. i checked my usage for last month and i sent and received

six
thousand
seven
hundred
ninety
four

text messages.

6,794. IN ONE MONTH. that breaks down to roughly 226 A DAY. that's insanity!

but its true. if i can't text you, i prolly haven't talked to you in while. that's so sad. i need to get amongst the land of the living. or something.

maybe morrow.

kkthxbye.

its O-FISH-UL

2008-04-18T11:58:00.000-07:00

lookie what i got in the mail yesterday!!!!!!!!!!

yes. yes that IS a sales and tax permit for Saucy Wench Coffee Roasters.

$47.47

2008-04-17T11:22:00.000-07:00

guess who just made her LAST payment on her student loan.

JUST GUESS.

THIS GIRL!

the shitty part is that when my mom went to go get my graduation info, a year ago, they informed her that i was one class shy of being DONE. and able to graduate.

guess what class i am missing...

JUST GUESS.

Intro to Computers.

THIS GIRL!

missing a computer class. not something like Building a Computer to Make Cheesey Nachos Anytime I Want Them. not Computing In Russian. not Coding Websites Out Of Cotton Candy...

INTRO.
TO.
COMPUTERS.

needless to say, i am NOT rushing to get that completed on the basis of the stupidity of it. oh yeah and it will also now cost almost $500 to do it.

but YAY having my loan paid off. too bad i didnt get all the VALUE out of it. sheesh.

two hos and a yo

2008-04-14T16:14:00.000-07:00

when i called my mom yesterday, she asked me if i had gotten her email about license plate ideas. and i asked her what she sent.

she said YO HO HO. which is, in fact, good AND funny at the same time. and i then said, "thats a great idea, but it would ALSO read YO! HO! HOOOOO! and i wasnt sure i wanted 'HO' on my license plate." she said, "but its two Hos and a Yo"

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand then we got the giggles.

so i have changed the title of this here little blog to reflect my mom's sense of humor and ingenuity. and her ability to make me pee while i am driving.

love your face, old girl.

sign of a fat girl

2008-04-10T13:24:00.000-07:00

yeah... momma "needed to have a purse what has bacon on it"

ULTIMATE fat girl to OWN and CARRY an accessory with BACON on it.

that's me.

lighter in the loafers

2008-04-10T10:45:00.000-07:00

amazing what an inch and a half can do.

and NO you perverts... that's NOT what i mean.

i got mah hairscut yestiddy. i sent a picture yesterday to Alliepants asking her opinion. i got back, "GIRL WHAT?" which translated from Numberspeak means, "DEAR GAWD woman, i didn't cut your hair SO cute in November for you to let it look like THAT!"

so i went. and the girl cut an inch. and then i said, "let's go a half inch moar".

ahhhhhhhhh...... MUCH better.

how rude.

2008-04-09T07:54:00.000-07:00

DAMMIT!

CURSES!

DEVIL!!!!!!

someone already HAS "SAUCY" for a license plate. thats what i get for dragging my feet.

so. by the end of the day, i want your votes.

5AUCY

SAU*CY

or

GITA

(oh and only 13 more days until my 30 Days of Self-Inflicted Sobriety is up! YAY!)

LOLCATS

2008-03-27T14:41:00.000-07:00

open. with the opening.

2008-03-26T07:49:00.000-07:00

SOME people seem to think that baseball has ALREADY started.

BUT... according to the REST of the world...

Major League Baseball's first officially recognized franchise the Cincinnati Reds were historically awarded the privilege of "opening the Openers" and hosted the outings from 1876-1989. Only twice during this time (1877 and 1966) were they forced to debut on the road due to rain. Finally in 1990, the tradition was broken and the Reds were scheduled to appear as the visitors against the Houston Astros. Despite the prestige of being christened as baseball's opening act, Cincinnati has posted an average record of 50-52-1 that has been shadowed by the countless spectacles off the baseline including parades, fireworks, circus performances and the opening of new ballparks in 1884, 1894, 1912 and 2003.

you catch that? CINCINNATI REDS... NOT Boston Red Sox.
i appreciate that they are playing like "real games" but DAMN if you have to go TO JAPAN to play? fuh real. it's called AMERICA'S PASTTIME!!!! NOT JAPAN'S!!!!!

according to The Cincinnati Reds site there are still 5 days, 3 hours and some odd minutes UNTIL THE REAL OPENING DAY.

but enjoy your 5 am "pretend games". i will let you know when Spring Training is OVER.

today's post brought to you by the letter W

2008-03-25T09:40:00.000-07:00

for Whores. as in Whores Moaning.
(hormones, for those of you playing the home game)

and the Whores want nachos. and Mexican Martinis. and they want to cry. i HATE being a girl sometimes.

now someone come here and play with my hair. and bring chocolate too.

green beers

2008-03-17T06:13:00.000-07:00

When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven!

SLAINTE!
and Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

nikon limbo

2008-03-13T13:28:00.000-07:00

bear with me...
i need to upload LOTS of pictures and then make subsequent posts.

i'll give you a hint or 2

Dropkicks and Flour Mills.

intrigued?

i KNOW! me too!

*****EDIT*****

AND ONE MORE THING!!!!!!!!!!!

http://saucywenchcoffee.com/

my next project

2008-03-06T07:06:00.000-08:00

Bacon Vodka

Makes up one pint

Fry up three strips of bacon
Add cooked bacon to a clean pint sized mason jar. Trim the ends of the bacon if they are too tall to fit in the jar. Or you could go hog wild and just pile in a bunch of fried up bacon scraps.
Optional: add crushed black peppercorns.
Fill the jar up with vodka. Cap and place in a dark cupboard for at least three weeks.(No need to refrigerate)
At the end of the three week resting period, place the bacon vodka in the freezer to solidify the fats. Strain out the fats through a coffee filter to yield a clear filtered pale yellow bacon vodka.
Decant into decorative bottles and enjoy.

i will TOTALLY make Saucy Bloody Marys with those Bleu Cheese and Jalapeno stuffed olives!!!!

OMG.

idea courtesy of Brownie Points

sent to me from Brian

2008-03-03T11:57:00.000-08:00

This is a letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph.
PC Magazine’s 2007 editors’ choice for best web mail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dry-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse’? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call an inbred hillbilly with knife skills. Isn’t the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, Mr. Thatcher, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control, maniacal behaviour.
You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants…
Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’
Are you fucking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager male brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out of your ass, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘ Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’, or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

UNO

2008-03-02T10:27:00.000-08:00

THIS... is how you Drunken Uno!

notice the size of the glass compared to the size of the vodka bottle and the redbull can.

and i STILL got my ass kicked. good game, Gulliver... good game.

Irish Lent

2008-03-01T13:18:00.000-08:00

A wee bit of humor...

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"
"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies.
"You see, I have two brothers,and one went to America, and the other to Australia . We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies,"You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

SERIOUSLY

2008-02-28T16:59:00.000-08:00

mmmmmmmmmint

2008-02-24T07:57:00.000-08:00

Allie posted about the Java Twix that i bought a few weeks ago... and that reminded me that i have picked up the new Mint 3Musketeers.... cause we ALL know momma likes some mint and chocolate.

i give these 2 thumbs up. and if you don't like em.. you can give em to me. i wont mind.

ortralla

2008-02-22T13:27:00.001-08:00

some days you just wake up and go to work and go home and nothing amazing happens.

and then, there are days like today.

this morning i had a customer who just wanted to pay her bill. and then asked me off-handedly about internet for her laptop. i told her i would need to see the laptop to figure out what card she needed for it. she told me that she was going to have to go home and get it and wanted to know what time i took lunch. i told her i would wait for her to come back. about an hour and a half later she comes in with the world's oldest and heaviest laptop. and was making jokes that it hadn't been even turned on in years.

as i was activating her service, she then told me the story of WHY it hadn't been turned on. in 2003 she bought it for her daughter, Ortralla. who was a sophmore in high school. who was then killed 2 months later, by her boyfriend. and then she then told me about how she set up a foundation for her daughter.
and then told me that her computer hadnt been turned on since her daugher's death. so i was happy to make this machine work. it took the better part of the day installing and updating all the software. and trying to make the silly thing work. FINALLY at 2 i got it to work and called her to tell her that it was ready.

when she showed up, she asked me to walk her through getting online and using the card. when we logged in, i had set her home page to yahoo and once it loaded, she all but shoved me aside and logged into her foundation site with shaking hands.

once the page loaded, i could feel the pride. and the happiness. and the feeling of a dream being realized as her daughter's face stared back at her on her OWN website. and she began to cry. and i almost began to cry. and she hugged me and thanked jesus and god and me and god and me and jesus and me and jesus and god one more again. and then hugged me again. and again.

and THAT. that is an amazing day.

if you want the story, go HERE

foundation website, go HERE

YAN CAN COOK!

2008-02-21T11:59:00.001-08:00

ever since the Geeks were here 2 weeks ago... all i have wanted to eat has been good food. i usually live off of CHICKENANDFRIES... but i have only had that once since they left. partly because we all ate so well when they were here. we had Chuy's and Koreana, and Kerbey Lane. i have had MORE seafood in the past 2 weeks as well. i just want GOOD food. not crap.

as i was on my way home last night, i wanted to make myself good dinner. that required a trip to 2 grocery stores.

after i acquired all of my ingredients, i made myself some pretty kickass din-din. and im such a sweet bitch, i'll even share the "recipe"

1 pkg habanero/mozzarella sausage
2 cups cooked shrimp
1 pkg fresh spinach fettucine
1 tbl garlic salt
1 tbl garlic powder
1/2 cup heavy cream
3/4 a stick of buttah
1 bottle pinot grigio

boil the pasta.
in a skillet, cook the sausages with a pat of butter and some wine. when they had cooked off all of the liquid, remove them and cut them up. deglaze the pan with a bit more wine and cook the shrimp.

put the rest of the butter in the pasta pot and add a bit more wine. add the shrimp and the sausage. mix well. add the pasta and garlic salt and powder. add the heavy cream.

let it cook a bit more. and serve. with the REST of the bottle of wine.

OH SO YUM.

and YAY leftovers!

a bloglet

2008-02-19T09:56:00.000-08:00

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand THIS is why i am consistely late to work.

5 things

2008-02-08T08:18:00.000-08:00

this was emailed to me this morning from Midwest Diva
and it was originally 4 things... but i'm a Number... and cant do things in fours. so. it's now five.

Five things about me that you may, or may not have known.
In no particular order and without further adieu…

A) Five jobs I have had in my life:
1. plant waterer
2. pizza slinger
3. phone girl
4. coffee goddess
5. CEO

B) Five movies I watch/have watched over and over
1. princess bride
2. shaun of the dead
3. harold and kumar go to white castle
4. philadelphia story
5. steel magnolias

C) Five places I have lived:
1. temple, tx
2. georgetown, tx
3. london, england
4. greenville, sc
5. amarillo, tx

D) Five TV Shows that I watch:
1. grey's anatomy
2. LOST
3. Paula's Home Cookin'
4. foster's home for imaginary friends
5. will and grace

E) Five places I have been
1. Numbers Summit
2. Spring Training
3. the looney bin
4. Scotland
5. hell and back

F) People who e-mail me (regularly):
1. alliepants
2. angela
3. Josh o'Toole
4. donna
5. the mommie

G) Five of my favorite foods
1. chickenandfries
2. mom's pot roast with yorkshire puddings
3. chicken and fries
4. chocolate
5. chickenandfries

H) Five places I would rather be right now...
1. having sex
2. in a hammock on an island
3. mom and dad's house
4. anywhere with my peeps
5. ireland

I) Five friends I think will respond
1. allie
2. angela
3. buh-rian
4. tasty pants
5. ian

J) Five Things I am looking forward to in 2008:
1. SAUCY WENCH COFFEE ROASTERS
2. Baseball in Cinci in June
3. SAUCY WENCH COFFEE ROASTERS
4. moving
5. SAUCY! WENCH! COFFEE! ROASTERS!

G E E K

2008-02-06T08:13:00.000-08:00

yes. (standing) i am a GEEK. i am proud of my Geekery. its something that most of my friends tolerate accept. i play video games. i am on messageboards. i had my computer built and know a lot of the computer-y words that were used in building said computer. the word "MOBO" makes me giggle. (it's short for MOtherBOard)

and i play World of Warcraft. there. i said it. i have played this game almost since it launched in '05. and i have made friends through this game and through the messageboard to which i belong that was inspired by the realm we all play on. (SHUT UP)

so, one of the friends i made from the board decided to come down from Missouri and hang out with me. and since we share a love of scotch, he sent a bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue to me to protect until he got here. (it's KILLING me to NOT open it) and i was telling another friend, who lives in Dublin, TX, that he was coming and he said that HE would come down too! from there it ESSPLODED! one told another who told another... and now, NOW we have people flying in from Missouri, Florida and California. yeah. it's become a big deal. so instead of meeting ONE friend... i now get to meet 10! i'm so excited!

J and i are gonna drink scotch on Friday, and then the Geeks shall take over 6th Street on Saturday. you might wanna stay home. you'll blind yourself on the glare from our pasty white gamer skin.

YAY CUTE NEW HAT!

2008-02-02T13:58:00.000-08:00

i got Angela one of these for Christelmas... and today saw another one at the store. and i NEEDED to have it.

CUTE, HUH?

subconscious

2008-02-01T08:49:00.001-08:00

the last thing i remember saying in my dream, before i woke up this morning.

"THIS IS MY FUCKING SERIOUS FACE! YOU ARE NOT TAKING MY GODDAMNED HEADLIGHT!"

wow. wonder what THAT means.

cataracts

2008-01-30T13:50:00.000-08:00

some days i am surprised that i don't have round the clock adult supervision.

this morning, i went to put in my contacts. and with me and contacts... there is ALWAYS an issue.

as i got out the little container, i felt something scrape my hand. it was my right contact. that didn't make it into the container and DRIED OUT! it was like a little contact raisin. and these ~~are~~ were the same ones that had the Visine incident. aka... my NEXT TO LAST PAIR.

so i threw out the contact. and looked at the left one and said, "screw it" and dropped into the sink.

i got out the last pair and opened the left one first... and couldn't get it out of the package. wanna know why? cause when the machines were sealing the package, they sealed an edge of the contact INTO the package. so it ripped when i finally got it out.

so. now i had 1 right contact dried like a raisin. one left one with half of it ripped off. SUPER.

as i hung my head about to admit defeat, i saw that the ORIGINAL left one didn't make it down the drain. i scooped it out gently, cleaned it off and put it in my eye. i then opened the right eye package and took that contact out without incident and put THAT one in.

so. i am down to 1 pair of contacts. the LAST pair (cause they're spendy) and let's HOPE i don't fuck THESE up!

sheesh.

Pirate Laws

2008-01-29T06:17:00.000-08:00

A pirate does not ask for directions. He relies only on his gut feeling, a compass, or a treasure map.
Parrots are the preferred pirate companion. Monkeys are an acceptable substitute, unless they fling their feces at people. Then they are an awesome substitute.
When fishing, a pirate uses either a sword, a knife, or his bare hands. Use of a hook is only acceptable in the event the pirate is missing a hand.
Pirates shall always wear boots, except in the case of a peg leg. Then one boot is acceptable. Flip-flops are right out.
Pirates do not cry, except in the case of the loss of a shipload of rum.
When describing the size of a treasure, a pirate is required to exaggerate by at least 130%.
Flowers are not treasure under any circumstances, unless said flowers are made out of gold.
A pirate shall never wear lipstick, nail polish, or capri pants. Actually, that kinda goes without saying.
No pirate shall discuss his feelings, unless his feelings include gutting a man from stem to stern and spilling his entrails.
A pirate should always remove his hat in the presence of a bartender.
During a sword fight, sword fighting insults are required. In the event both participants are still alive at the end of the fight, the participant with the superior insults shall be declared the victor.
No pirate shall ever wear a "fanny pack".
All foods prepared by a pirate must include rum, grog, or beer. Boone's and other "Wench Punch" is prohibited.
A pirate may never compliment another pirate on the softness of his hands.
No pirate shall wear a bracelet or a necklace, unless it is the tooth or tusk of an animal he killed. If in the presence of cannibals, a necklace is acceptable camouflage, but only if said necklace is made of human toes.
Pirate Law: Dousing oneself in beer is a perfectly acceptable replacement for a shower.
No pirate shall drink Grog out of a glass. Grog is only to be consumed either straight from the barrel, or from a mug heavy enough to to kill a man.
Three-cornered hats, headbands and bandanas are the only acceptable head wear for pirates. Fedoras, bowler derbies, baseball caps, mickey ears, top hats, sombreros, or anything with lace and flowers will be removed from the vessel-- head included. A grace period of one minute is allowed for hats looted from a tailory.
A pirate shall never wrap presents. The only thing a pirate gives is a bludgerin'.
Pirate Law: A pirate does not use the word "Fabulous". Ever.
No pirate shall attend a movie with less than an Arrrr rating.
Only a pirate is capable of killing another pirate. If you are not a pirate (let's say a ninja) and wish to challenge a pirate, they have a word for that. Corpse.
Pirate Law: "ARRRRRRRRRRR..." is a perfectly acceptable answer to any question.
A pirate does not "go shopping". Unless by "shopping", you mean "killing".
Peg legs must be made of timber or some other suitable wood. Plastic, ceramic, porcelain, or metal peg legs are utterly unacceptable, simply because it complicates the use of the phrase "shiver me timbers".
Real pirates have chest hair. If you cannot grow chest hair, you may be a cabin boy.
Under no circumstances is a comb-over an acceptable pirate hairdo.
No pirate may ever change his shirt because it is "wrinkled". A pirate may only change his shirt if it is completely soaked in blood.
When drinking, Pirates may sing. "Fifteen Men on a Dead Man's Chest" is preferred. Kelly Clarkson songs are not allowed.
No pirate shall ever drive a minivan, unless he drives the minivan into a tavern, for the purposes of looting barrels of rum from said tavern. Upon completion of this task, the minivan is to be burned. No exceptions.
No matter how hard it is raining, two pirates may never share an umbrella. Pirates do not fear rain.
If circumstances demand a career change, a move into real estate brokerage or tax collection shall be considered a lateral move and said individual may keep their pirate status.
A pirate does not snuggle with an animal, unless he is trying to snap its neck. But I guess that wouldn't really be "snuggling".
A pirate may never wear another man's clothing, unless he first kills that man.
Two pirates must never share a bed or a hammock. It is perfectly acceptable for one pirate to sleep on the floor, or on a pile of treasure.
Pirates do not wear eyeglasses or bifocals unless they are looking at a treasure map, and even then they are allowed only a monocle. Any comments about "Mr. Peanut" while wearing the monocle are prohibited.
When setting out on a voyage, a pirate does not pack a suitcase. He is only to bring what he can carry under his arms, or what his wench can carry on her back. Pirates do not go shopping. They go lootin' and plunderin'.
A pirate does not mow the lawn. Lawns are for landlubbers.
Lifting or removing one's eyepatch is extremely impolite but is not considered an insult. It's just kinda gross. Likewise, one should never remove another pirate's eyepatch, except with a sword to the face.
Pirates never use the words "fresh" or "feelings," and certainly not together (as in "I have that not-so-fresh feeling").
A pirate must never visit a tanning salon. If he is not already tan enough from searching for treasure, he hasn't been searching hard enough.
While creativity is encouraged during any bar fight or battle at sea, pirates may only use the following types of sword; falchions, scimitars, rapiers, and particularly long knives. Katanas or any other Ninja sword are strictly forbidden, unless the Pirate rips off a Ninja's arm and hurls the arm, and attached Katana, as a projectile.
No pirate shall ever sit on a toilet seat, for any reason.
Kidnapping is an acceptable substitute for killing, but only if it is for the purpose of plank walking at a later time.
When swimming, pirates do not dive. They cannonball.
Cannoneers aboard a pirate vessel are not allowed to use hearing protection of any sort. No matter what the OSHA regulations say, if ye can't stand bleedin' from the ears, you have no business being a Pirate.
A pirate will never wear a patch that is any other color than black; unless it's Halloween. then they can wear a patch with an eyeball painted on the outside. Polka dots are not permitted under any circumstances.
Female pirates are allowed some exception to rules concerning hygiene and garmentry, but must make up for it by using twice as much profanity.
Hooks are the only acceptable hand substitute. However, they may not have secondary attachments such as screwdrivers, bottle openers, corkscrews, or nail files. These are Pirates we're talking about, not Inspector Gadget.
A pirate's diet consists mainly of meat. If at sea, and meat is not available, shoe leather is an acceptable replacement.
Pirate Law: You can't spell pirate, without "irate". There's a reason for that, so don't even try.
No pirate will ever, ever raise his pinky when drinking any sort of beverage.
Pirate Law: When choosing clothing, even if it looks dirty, or smells dirty, it is clean.
A pirate may ride in a rowboat, if traveling to or from his ship. Use of a Kayak is only permitted if used for cannon target practice.
When drinking rum, the only thing a pirate adds to the rum is more rum.
The official Pirate religion is Pastafarianism.
No pirate shall ever play wiffle ball.
Under no circumstances does a pirate speak with a Ninja, unless he first decapitates that Ninja and uses his head like a sock puppet.
When at the office, answering the telephone with "Arrrrrrr" is perfectly acceptable for pirates. Other acceptable choices are "Avast!", and "Ahoy Matey!"
A Pirate does not read poetry, unless said poetry is scrawled on the wall of a bathroom.
All women are to be referred to as wenches, with the exception of female Pirates, who can be referred to as "lass".
Pirates do not clean up, except when gold falls out of a treasure chest.
Spilling rum is not acceptable, except in the act of "pouring some out for dead mateys".
A pirate may tell any tale of swashbuckling without being called on the details, as long as at least 51% of the story is true.
A pirate may never shave below the neck. Shaving above the neck is allowed, but only if the pirate shaves his entire head. In the presence of cannibals, a mohawk is acceptable.
No pirate may do the arm movements for "YMCA", or engage in country-western line-dancing.
Pirates do not say "please" or "thank you". The phrase "Arrr, I'll probably kill you tomorrow" is an acceptable alternative for "Thank you".
Should the ship's bow have a carving of a naked wench, mermaid, or something of the like, crew members should not touch it. Feeling up a wooden statue is unbecoming of a pirate.
Pirates do not "IM". The only instant message allowed is a sword through the chest.
Dental Hygiene for Pirates is not a priority. Should there be occasion, however, strong rum or salt water can be used as mouthwash. Anything "minty fresh" is strictly forbidden.
Pirates never, ever obey laws. Period. Ironic, I realize.

And finally, How do you know if you are a pirate? You just "Arrrrrrrr"...

hangin...... LOW

2008-01-29T05:57:00.000-08:00

it's only 7:57 and i am SURE there will be something else today that is blog-worthty....
but THESE words JUST came out of Ang's mouth.

"New Kids back together!!! Woooo!!!!! Yay! Ima be a groupie that can put out now!"

yeah. fuh real. she's always had a thing for boy bands. now that her ALL TIME favorite one is back together as a bunch of geezers... its gonna be unbearable. cause she's TOTALLY gonna flash Donnie Wahlberg

are they gonna tour as the New Kids still? or Old Guys Who've Been Around and Around and Around the Block?

Pirate Merch

2008-01-28T17:02:00.000-08:00

i am OFFICIALLY backing this site

Pirate Merch

where else can you get THIS bumper sticker????

ya know... to ward off the Scurvy!

fine.

2008-01-28T15:05:00.001-08:00

here it is.

and you will soon be able to get here from www.christelpistol.com too.

welcome back to the sunlight little blog.